


tripping, falling, with no safety net

by choichanhees (sunyoungs)



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Study, Cuddling & Snuggling, Frottage, M/M, Miscommunication, Panic Attacks, Pining, professional cuddling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:08:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27785752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunyoungs/pseuds/choichanhees
Summary: Jaehyun knows how to deal with expectations — he isn’t expecting Jacob.
Relationships: Bae Joonyoung | Jacob/Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae
Comments: 49
Kudos: 228
Collections: Die Jungz Fest (R1)





	tripping, falling, with no safety net

**Author's Note:**

> hello, hello! when I decided to join die jungz, it was really half impulse and half me wanting to challenge myself - and here I am 21k words later, with the longest work I've written in years (and in the shortest amount of time)! this is a self-prompt, because quite frankly I was terrified of disappointing anyone, but I hope you all like it regardless. lastly, a HUGE thank you to Alejandra, the lovely beta who helped me make this monster a bit more coherent.
> 
>  **some warnings** :  
> \- while Jacob obviously isn't a licensed psychologist/therapist, there is very much a client/practitioner dynamic that becomes.. a bit muddled (professionally, morally) throughout the fic as feelings are developed.  
> \- this fic includes an active panic attack, so if you would like to skip that, it begins with: "Immediately, he has to brace himself on the counter, his knees weak." and ends with: "Jaehyun decides right then, on his kitchen floor, that he needs to stay away from the clinic."  
> \- this fic is rated explicit, but it's not a recurring theme throughout. if you would like to skip the smut, the scene begins with: "Jaehyun will let himself enjoy it, no matter what the morning brings." and ends with: "watching Jacob sleep is not an indulgence he’s entitled to."
> 
> without further ado, have fun <3

***

Lee Jaehyun values diligence, he craves it — in himself above all else. 

He has for as long as he can remember; as a snotty-faced child with an appetite for responsibility and a want to prove himself, and now as a perpetually stressed office worker, carrying a workload far heavier than he should.

Those around him would say he’s doing well: a fulltime managerial position at twenty-five, more professional responsibility and autonomy than most of his same-aged peers, his own studio apartment with a stunning view over downtown Seoul, proud parents that routinely brag about him and make sure he’s coddled whenever he visits, and honestly, more friends than he’d expected to keep.

Jaehyun tells himself there’s nothing missing, that it’s all in his head.

Growing up, as the younger brother of a rebellious, nonconforming sister — who he loves and admires — and the only son, he quickly became in-tune with the expectations of his parents, of his extended family, of the church his parents still attend to this day, of society at large. 

As the younger sibling, it made him feel valued; he’d think to himself: surely if they anticipate the absolute best from him, he should also aspire to it. 

Years later, while Jaehyun still strives for perfection in every aspect of his life, the pursuit of these ever-growing expectations has hollowed him out, sapped him of his spirit. As an adult, there is a new category of expectations and it is arguably the most harmful of them all: those he establishes for himself.

Ambition is taxing, but diligence has become Jaehyun’s Achilles’ heel, it is sought-after at the expense of himself, leaving bits of his soul in its wake, in the ashes of success.

At fourteen, Lee Jaehyun was full of vigour, filled to the brim with red-hot passion; always dreaming of the future, of the potential he saw in himself.

At twenty, Lee Jaehyun was slowly giving himself away — to others, to accomplishments — blurry at the edges, yet sparkling to those around him.

At twenty-five, Lee Jaehyun no longer finds himself whole; he is scattered around time and space, immortalized in the expectations he exceeds again, and again, and again.

At twenty-six, Lee Jaehyun will rekindle the flame of his spirit, gathering the pieces he’s left behind. He will learn to ask for help without shame and with it, he will mould diligence into an advantage, rather than a fatal flaw.

***

Days shy of Jaehyun’s twenty-sixth birthday, Younghoon and Juyeon present him with a joint gift.

“So,” Jaehyun looks between them, and then squints. “Where is it?”

Younghoon beams, signature megawatt smile on his face. “We don’t have it with us.”

Jaehyun just stares. His friends have played elaborate pranks on him before, but rarely do pranks involve a trip down to their favourite bar.

A few beats later, Juyeon decides to spare him. 

“It’s not a physical gift, hyung,” he explains, refilling their glasses with fresh beer. “We got you a… What did you call it, Younghoon-hyung?”

“A self-care package! At my favourite massage clinic, to be precise.”

Juyeon nods. 

“Yeah, yeah, self-care. Younghoon-hyung made an appointment for me a few months back and I enjoyed it, so we thought…” He pauses. “You know. It’d be good for you, too.”

“Okay,” Jaehyun frowns. “Why are we here, then?”

Gasping, Younghoon punches him in the shoulder. 

“You need a reason to go out with your best friends, huh?” He sniffs. “Mr. Big, Bad and Important finance manager is above us now, Juyeon, you hear that?”

Juyeon laughs, carefree and bright, while Jaehyun’s frown deepens.

“Seriously,” Jaehyun says. “We’re in the middle of a huge project and I’ve been working overtime all week. I have shit to do, Younghoon. Slacking off whenever I feel like it doesn’t set a good example.”

Younghoon’s smile falls. “You’re not _slacking off_ by taking a single night off — the hell?”

Jaehyun sighs, running a hand across his face. “Technically, if my team is working while I’m out having a drink… I kind of am.”

“Whatever,” Younghoon says, petulant. “We wanted to discuss our gift in person. Screw us for wanting to see you for the first time in weeks, I guess.”

Juyeon finally tunes into the conversation, looking up from his people-watching. 

“Hyung…” He says, with a placating tone.

“No, he’s right. I’m sorry,” Jaehyun murmurs, and then sighs again. “Long week. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” 

He reaches out and squeezes Younghoon’s hand. 

“I appreciate it, I do. A massage will probably do me a lot of good after this project from hell,” Smiling bitterly, he keeps his eyes fixed on the table. “It’s just that.. There’s so much to do, and not enough time. I feel like I can barely breathe lately. Any minute wasted will come back to bite me in the ass.”

Younghoon squeezes back and jokes: “You _do_ seem pretty tense.”

Jaehyun forces out a laugh. “Understatement of the year.”

“Well, you’re in luck — your first appointment is next Tuesday.”

“You made it for me?” Jaehyun asks, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. 

He was looking forward to putting the first massage off until Chuseok, at least, or maybe even never using it. The thought of having a stranger’s hands on him, professional or not, is uncomfortable.

Younghoon shifts in his seat. 

Huh. 

He only does that when he’s hiding something. Jaehyun refrains from raising an eyebrow. 

“It was conditional,” Younghoon blurts out, quick to explain. “There was a promotion with the package and the first appointment had to be set before anything could be confirmed.”

Juyeon nods. 

“The package expires after a certain time, too, hyung.” He adds, clearly coming to Younghoon’s defence, but managing a poker-face. “So make sure to take advantage of the rest of your allotted appointments quickly.”

Jaehyun hums and decides to move on. Whatever Younghoon was hiding, it’d be revealed soon enough. His oldest friend couldn’t lie to save his life.

“Don’t think this means I’m getting you bastards anything for your birthdays,” Jaehyun says jokingly.

Laughing, Juyeon nudges their shoulders together. “As long as you treat us to dinner, hyung.”

“Speak for yourself,” Younghoon says. “Jaehyun still owes me a wedding gift.”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes. 

“We’ll see,” he tells them. 

Taking a sip from his beer, his mind returns to the workload still waiting for him at home. He’ll have to get to work earlier tomorrow to make up for the time lost this evening. A night to catch up with his friends is appreciated, though; the voice in the back of his mind, the one he usually silences, knows he needed this, needed a break no matter how brief.

***

Jaehyun almost swears he has the wrong place. He triple-checks the address on his phone before he decides to walk into the nondescript building, despite the lack of signage in sight.

Thankfully, the lobby isn’t deserted and there’s a security guard standing in the far corner. He definitely dodged a bullet there, Jaehyun thinks. Biting down on his bottom lip nervously, he straightens his shoulders, and then walks towards the reception desk in the middle of the room. 

His appointment is soon, so he’ll have to make this quick.

“Hello,” Jaehyun says, utilizing the _Take Me Seriously_ voice usually reserved for senior management at the office. “I have an appointment with the, uh, Therapeutic Touch Practitioner? I was given this address.” 

Jaehyun doesn’t understand why the title is so complicated, why the masseuse goes by such a mouthful instead of, well, _masseuse_ , but he’s trying to keep his judgement to a minimum.

The receptionist pops her bubblegum, not bothering to look up from her magazine, and says: “Fourth floor. Room 406.”

Jaehyun nods, once, twice, before realizing it’s futile. 

He throws her a quiet _thanks_ over his shoulder, and then passes the hallway leading to the elevator, opting to take the stairs instead. Jaehyun climbs up the stairwell two-by-two, his steps echoing loudly. By the time he makes it to the fourth floor, he’s a little out of breath, mentally cursing how out of shape he’s become with his increased workload.

Room 406 is to his left, its door wide open and inviting. Jaehyun takes a long, deep breath, licks his lips, and then walks in.

He’s immediately greeted by an attendant standing near the door, pen and clipboard in hand. 

“Welcome!” They say, enthusiastically, their head tilted to the side. “First time, huh? Do you have an appointment?”

“Uh, yeah.” He tells them, rubbing a hand against the back of his neck. He doesn’t like that it’s so obvious, that unfamiliarity and lack of experience are written all over his face. “For five-thirty? My name is Lee Jaehyun.”

The attendant smiles, all teeth, and then nods, taking a glance at their clipboard. “Your practitioner for today’s session is Bae Jacob. Before you can join him, I have some paperwork for you to sign — the usual forms.”

“Sure,” Jaehyun says inattentively.

Jaehyun gets through most of the paperwork fairly quickly, but one form is not like the others, and is nothing he expected — it’s a practitioner-client agreement. What stands out to Jaehyun, though, is the reference to a _non-sexual_ _experience_ , which.. baffles him at first. He guesses it’s not surprising that therapeutic touch practitioners could be taken advantage of and preyed on; Jaehyun respects the practice for protecting their employees. As he moves onto the rest of the page, the content is logical enough: the expected terms and conditions and an understandable code of ethics.

“Great,” says the attendant as Jaehyun passes back the signed paperwork. “Let me file these and then I’ll let Jacob know you’re ready.”

Jaehyun preoccupies himself with a mindless game of _Brawl Stars_ on his phone, anxiously chewing on his bottom lip. It doesn’t keep his attention for long. He has to restrain himself from looking up when there’s a new voice in the room, speaking low to the attendant.

“Hi, I’m Jacob, I’ll be your therapeutic touch practitioner today. It’s nice to meet you!” The voice eventually says to Jaehyun, suddenly very close. 

His Korean is a bit lilted, and Jaehyun’s gaze immediately snaps up to meet him. He first notices Jacob’s smile, stretched wide with teeth practically glimmering. 

Oh God, Jaehyun is fucked. 

He’s absolutely, completely, utterly fucked. 

He won’t be able to string together two words, let alone a single sentence, in this man’s presence.

“Um,” Jaehyun says, after an uncomfortable stretch of silence and stands up, offering Jacob his hand. “I’m Lee Jaehyun.”

Jacob laughs, like a chime of bells, and Jaehyun is enchanted. He nods, shaking Jaehyun’s hand, and then, instead of letting go, holds onto it. Jaehyun can feel the flush climbing up his neck. 

“First time?”

“Um,” Jaehyun says again. “Yeah, sorry, this isn’t my kind of thing…” He trails off, wincing, and drops Jacob’s hand like it’s scandling. You’d think he’d never spoken to another person in his life. “Not that there’s anything _wrong_ with it, um.. I’ve just never personally tried it. This is a birthday gift from my friends, probably their idea of a joke, so… Yeah. Sorry.” 

Jaehyun is never going to open his mouth again.

Jacob doesn’t look offended, at least. His smile dims a little, but he looks empathetic rather than upset. “Well, we’ll go over your comfort level and expectations for the experience, so there’s nothing to be nervous about. Are you okay with moving this conversation to my office?”

That he picked up on how highly strung Jaehyun is only makes him more nervous, but he nods and follows Jacob into a hallway and then into a dimly lit room.

As Jacob turns on the light, Jaehyun wonders if he’s stepped into an alternative universe; it glows the complicated purple-blue colour of the night sky, interrupted by the dim orange of two lit candles — smelling faintly of lavender — on an end table. 

There is a mattress situated in the middle of the room, adorned with dozens of pillows and various stuffed animals, meant to look inviting and comfortable and cozy, but to Jaehyun it’s all so, so, so _wrong_.

“What the hell,” Jaehyun hisses, before he can even think about it, feeling like he’s been rooted in place, his feet anchored at the doorway.

Jacob raises both brows. “Are you okay?”

Jaehyun takes a deep breath, and then flushes the apprehension out of his system with an even deeper sigh. “The room is just… Um. Very unexpected. Is this not a massage clinic?”

“Massage clinic?” Jacob mouths to himself, adorably perplexed, and then says: “No? We do therapeutic touch therapy, not physio. You know… Like, platonic intimacy?”

Blinking twice, Jaehyun gapes at Jacob for a few seconds, and then crosses his arms protectively. “What does that entail, exactly?”

He blushes lightly. “Um.. Cuddling, mostly? Holding hands or spooning if the client is comfortable with it. Sometimes we just keep them company.”

Jaehyun is stumped. 

He doesn’t understand why his best friends would think he needs.. _platonic intimacy_. Can’t imagine he’s anything like the usual clientele — lonely, touch-starved, traumatized. 

Jaehyun isn’t any of those things and for the people closest to him to think of him so... so _incompetent._

It hurts. 

There must be truth to it, he thinks, there must be something he’s missing. 

Panic takes Jaehyun by the throat, in a harsh grip, threatening to suffocate him. As his eyes frantically flit around the room, looking for something that makes sense, something to ground him, his gaze once again falls on Jacob. 

Kind-hearted, friendly Jacob who’s trying to do his job and shouldn’t have to deal with a weak man that can’t get himself together.

Jaehyun closes his eyes and counts to ten, taking another deep breath. 

He decides, then, that he’ll play along. He refuses to make a horrible impression, refuses to be the horrible client in a person’s otherwise decent shift.

“Okay,” Jaehyun says, with faux-confidence, and plops down on the mattress. “We had expectations to discuss?”

If Jacob is surprised at how quickly Jaehyun’s mood changes, he doesn’t show it. 

“Yeah, let me just…” He trails off, and then situates himself on the mattress, too, a polite distance away from Jaehyun. “So… It’s essentially all up to you. Not sure if you want me to give you the entire spiel about the benefits of physical intimacy?” Jacob pauses, an obvious invitation for Jaehyun to offer _something_. 

When Jaehyun shakes his head, he nods to himself and continues: “Cool. We can get straight to it, then… Unless you’d like a cup of water? Tea?”

Jaehyun frowns. The niceties are as absurd as the set-up, he thinks. 

“No, thanks.”

“Cool,” Jacob repeats. “Usually, a questionnaire is filled out beforehand, with the client’s comfort level, preferences and whatnot. Since your package was a gift, I’m going to ask a few questions, okay?” Jaehyun nods again. “What are you comfortable with right now?”

Flushing, Jaehyun bites his lower lip. “Um… Nothing that involves touch. Sorry.”

“That’s more common than you think,” Jacob explains. “Most first sessions focus on getting to know clients — and vice versa, learning their boundaries, their level of comfort with intimacy, and eventually, becoming a safe space for them.”

Jaehyun knows he should be comforted by this, but it isn’t reassuring to be lumped in with the usual _cuddle therapy_ demographic. It makes him feel broken — and he’s _not_ , he knows this. Younghoon and Juyeon are playing a sick joke on him, a prank for the ages, and he shouldn’t let this situation get into his head.

“Do you mind if I lie down?”

Jaehyun makes a face, halfway between a frown and a grimace.

“You wouldn’t have to join me, don’t worry.”

“Go ahead, then.” Jaehyun says. “Don’t let me stop you.”

It feels unbalanced, for him to be sitting down, his posture ramrod straight, while Jacob is comfortably on his back, arm casually thrown above his head.

Jacob hums. “Are you completely opposed to physical touch, like, as a concept? Do you just need to be comfortable around the person?”

The tips of Jaehyun’s ears turn red. “Oh.. I'm, uh, a physically affectionate person, I think. Just not with strangers.”

“Noted,” Jacob says.

Jaehyun really dislikes the feeling of being studied, analyzed, and filed away.

“Are you okay?” Jacob asks again, when there’s a lull in the conversation. 

Jaehyun should be sick of the question by now, _would_ be sick of it had it come from anyone else. But from Jacob it’s shockingly genuine every time, like he’s sincerely concerned, rather than asking out of sheer courtesy.

“Yeah,” Jaehyun tells him, nodding, and finds that he mostly means it this time. “Let’s do that — the getting to know each other thing.”

Jacob’s smile returns in full force. 

“Great!” He says, voice soft and delighted, like he’s a mere moment away from wagging his tail. “What do you do? Career wise, I mean.”

Jaehyun refrains from sighing. Throughout the years, he’s come to really dread questions about his job; people are either impressed and see him as a walking won sign or lose interest. 

“I’m a finance manager at an accounting firm,” he finally says, dispassionately. Jaehyun expects the curious light in Jacob’s eyes to flicker out, for him to immediately change the subject, but he seems… almost impressed; it’s unnerving. 

For his sanity’s sake, Jaehyun convinces himself it’s all in his head.

“Wow… A manager, huh? And you’re like, what, twenty-eight? Wow. That’s amazing.”

“Twenty-six,” Jaehyun corrects.

It’s Jacob’s turn to gape. Jaehyun can’t help but flush under the scrutiny. 

“What — _really_?” At Jaehyun’s nod, Jacob turns his body towards him, open and attentive, settling his leg between them. “That’s… _Wow_. That’s an impressive feat.” He squints at Jaehyun. “You know that, right?” When Jaehyun raises a hand to cover his red-hot cheeks, Jacob laughs. “It’s _true_. Trust me, we’re the same age and I’m still struggling through my Masters.”

“This is just a part-time job?” Jaehyun blurts out, mind still fixed on _we’re the same age_.

“It pays well and all, but cuddling isn’t exactly my calling in life,” Jacob jokes, and then smiles shyly. “I want to teach music.”

Something about the way Jacob says it, almost whispering, makes Jaehyun’s chest clench. He clears his throat. “I’m sure you’ll be a great teacher — you, uh, have that air about you.”

Jacob grins, unconsciously leaning in. “You think so?”

To Jaehyun’s surprise, he doesn’t instinctively flinch away. 

“Yes,” he says, a bit hoarse, and then gulps, taking a chance. “What’s the next step? After you get to know the client.”

“Do I know you already?” Jacob teases. 

When Jaehyun is silent, he straightens, sitting up, his face all of a sudden serious. Jaehyun finds himself instantly missing his smile. 

“The client usually feels comfortable enough to lie down, either on the bed or with their head on my lap, and if they’re inclined, I play with their hair, maybe hold their hand.”

The thought of lying on another person’s lap, vulnerable in all sense of the word, is unbearably mortifying. However, Jaehyun can’t help but find the vague, far-away idea of Jacob’s hand in his hair very appealing, to the point of no return. 

Maybe he _is_ touch-starved.

Jaehyun shakes the thought off. 

“That’s… interesting.” He says, and then stands, gaze flitting down to his watch. “I think our time is up.”

Jacob looks suspicious and squints at the clock on the opposite wall. “Has it been an hour already?”

Technically, they have another fifteen minutes, but Jaehyun opts to lie. 

“Time flies, huh?” He refuses to look at Jacob, lest he be tempted to stick around and, God forbid, _get to know him_ more. He only turns around once he’s at the doorway, seconds away from a successful retreat.

“It was really nice meeting you.” Jaehyun says quickly, hightailing out of there before Jacob can reply.

He holds his breath until he’s back out into the brisk Seoul evening.

(Later that night, as Jaehyun relaxes into bed and drifts off to sleep quicker than he has in weeks, he can’t find it in himself to regret the session. Or meeting Bae Jacob, for that matter.)

***

The workday crawls at the usual pace — which to say, not at all. 

Jaehyun has been staring at this spreadsheet for what seemed like _hours_ , unsettled and unable to keep hold of productivity for once.

His mind keeps circling back around to his session — for lack of a better term — with Bae Jacob last week, how it ultimately wasn’t as uncomfortable as he’d anticipated. Jaehyun’s expectations are rarely so _wrong_ , rarely so successfully dismantled. 

He finds himself reassessing therapeutic touch through the lens of Bae Jacob, through the warmth of his voice and the glittering of his eyes. 

It’s not unpleasant, when Bae Jacob is brought into the equation. 

In fact, it’s almost concerningly appealing, but Jaehyun is weak and pushes any concerns into the back of his mind, telling himself he’s only being logical. He convinces himself that another appointment with Jacob would mean an opportunity to actually unwind his mind and body, to finally listen to his friends and _relax for once_. 

The medium might be… unconventional, but the night after the first session proves that it _works_ , that cuddle therapy could be his answer to increased productivity. 

So, in the end, Jaehyun tells himself he’s doing this for the sake of his career.

He calls the clinic and schedules regular appointments with Bae Jacob as his therapeutic touch practitioner.

***

When Jaehyun arrives fifteen minutes early to his next appointment, he’s asked to wait in Jacob’s office. 

The receptionist explains that he’s Jacob’s only appointment of the day, which was definitely a harmless, throwaway comment, but still unintentionally makes Jaehyun feel like a burden.

He paces around the room for a few minutes, back and forth and back and forth, before dramatically throwing himself onto the mattress, slightly bouncing with the force of it. Jaehyun was told to _make himself comfortable_ , though he’s not entirely sure what that entails. 

The act of lying in an unfamiliar bed — even with no one else in the room — is enough to make him feel painfully vulnerable, exposed… to _what_ , he’s not entirely sure. 

Despite wearing his work suit like an unbreakable armor, surrounded by such softness and delicacy, Jaehyun feels laid bare; his flaws, insecurities and concerns laid out for the stuffed animals to take their fill.

Before Jaehyun can get too into his head, he hears footsteps, and then the doorknob is being rustled, and he quickly moves to sit up.

“You’re back,” Jacob greets him, his face open, and soft, and _pleased_. 

Jaehyun forces himself to look away, wondering how someone can always look so cheerful.

“Hi,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry — would’ve scheduled the appointment for another day had I known.”

Jacob pulls off his jacket, hooks it up, and then turns to Jaehyun. 

“Oh, come on,” he laughs, brushing the concern off. “It’s an extra shift, I’m not complaining.” He rocks back and forth on his heels. “Do you mind if I join you?”

Jaehyun shrugs and gestures to the space next to him, faking nonchalance, as if to casually say _go ahead_. Jaehyun’s feeling anything but casual — luckily, that’ll stay between him and the stuffed animals giving him the third degree.

The way he sits next to Jaehyun is reminiscent of the previous session, with one leg on the mattress and bent at the knee. 

“So,” Jacob says, hesitating. “Was the last session okay? You left in a hurry.”

Jaehyun leans back on his hands, willing himself to relax. 

“It was fine,” he tells Jacob. 

Not necessarily a lie, but devoid of all inner turmoil and detail.

The smile on Jacob’s face blooms. 

“I’m glad.” He grabs a pillow, squeezing it against his chest. “Did you want to do more of that today or…” Jacob hums thoughtfully. “Maybe experiment with a bit of touch?”

“Um,” Jaehyun says, intelligently, and then pauses while he collects his thoughts. “How would that work, hypothetically?” 

“Well, it depends. How do you feel about holding hands?”

“As a concept? Or right in this very moment?”

Jacob laughs. “Both works.”

Jaehyun sucks on his bottom lip. 

“I don’t… mind it either way.” 

Truth is, Jaehyun loves holding hands. He’s a physically affectionate person; he enjoys basking in the warmth of his loved ones, and more often than not, touch is the only way he _can_ communicate his fondness for them. 

Plus while Jaehyun would never admit it, he's a clingy drunk, too; when he has a few drinks in him and needs to be as close as possible to his friends, holding their hands is usually his go-to method. 

He’s not sure about holding hands with _Jacob_ , in the context of therapeutic touch, but surely, he thinks, it couldn’t be that different. 

He unclences his hands, relaxing them against his thighs. “We can try that.”

Jacob moves unhurriedly, cautiously, peering up at Jaehyun intently, as if searching for a semblance of regret.

His hands are rougher than Jaehyun expected. 

Smaller than his own, but wider, thicker, stronger, with prominent veins and calluses along his fingers. (Jaehyun briefly wonders if it’s from manual labour, or if Jacob plays an instrument). 

Jacob cradles Jaehyun’s right hand in both of his, simply holding it at first, and then he slowly starts to stroke against Jaehyun’s palm. It should feel harsh, or maybe ticklish, Jaehyun thinks, but as the strokes reach his knuckles, his fingertips, Jacob’s eyes simultaneously moving across his face like a soft caress of its own, he feels oddly at peace.

“Oh,” Jaehyun breathes out.

***

His next few sessions with Jacob are much of the same: a little small talk, some hand-caressing and a _lot_ of holding back on Jaehyun’s part.

It’s like… the moment he sets his eyes on Jacob, he has an almost uncontrollable need to just — _talk_. 

Tell him important things, trivial things, things on Jaehyun’s mind that no one in his life is privy to; inner thoughts and concerns and wants and _needs_. 

He can’t, though, because Jacob is just doing his job, and Jacob shouldn’t be taken advantage of, and Jacob never shares anything of importance, anyway, always settling on boring small talk or insignificant anecdotes about his family dogs. 

Their relationship is already out of balance, with Jacob being his touch therapist or whatever the fuck, so Jaehyun needs to hold back and not get uselessly attached for once.

Something shifts the third time he walks into the office, on the last Thursday of October.

Jacob isn’t smiling, for one.

He’s staring off into space, and his eyes look devoid of.. well, anything, really. 

Jaehyun doesn’t think he’s been noticed yet, and he’s glad for it, wants to give Jacob all the time he needs. There’s tension in Jacob’s shoulders, like he’s mentally preparing to go into combat, and what are his sessions if not a battle to maintain courtesy, Jaehyun wonders. 

He should go. He really, really should.

Sighing, Jaehyun moves to take a step backwards, to hurry out of the clinic before he’s noticed. 

Instead, his shoulder brushes against the door as he turns, and it decides to make a squeaking noise, immediately alerting Jacob of his presence.

“Jaehyun?” He calls out, eyebrows furrowed. 

Jaehyun almost regrets asking Jacob to speak informally with him.

As he walks back into the room, Jaehyun bites his lip. 

“Hey,” he says, once he’s in front of Jacob. “Sorry — I didn’t want to disturb you.”

Jacob’s expression softens, lips curving into a tiny smile — Jaehyun tells himself it’s not for him, it’s out of courtesy, but it fills him with a burst of fondness all the same. “Hey.”

“We could.. Uh,” Jaehyun shoves his clenched fists into the pockets of his jacket. “Reschedule if you’re not up to it today?”

He shakes his head aggressively. 

“No, no. You’re already here, I’m already here.” He shrugs, and then pats the space next to him. “Who knows, maybe I’ll get a bit of comfort out of it, too.”

“Do you enjoy it? Cuddling?” Jaehyun blurts out, half a foot away from the mattress.

Jacob tilts his head. “For the most part.”

Jaehyun doesn’t know what he’s doing, or saying, but the words spill out of his mouth before he can think about it: 

“Let’s do it.” He sits down, hesitating under the scrutiny of Jacob’s gaze. “If you’d like.”

“Yeah?”

A nod. 

“Do you… have a preference?” Jaehyun hopes he doesn’t have to elaborate, flushing a dark red, he’s already near the brink of his comfort zone as it is.

He laughs, nods, and then pushes himself back against the pile pillows, stretching out. Jacob’s arms are open wide, an invitation — for _Jaehyun_.

Jaehyun gulps audibly. 

It’s now or never, he thinks. The past three sessions have been leading up to this very moment, and he doesn’t know what to make of it, afraid of taking advantage. 

Before he can talk himself out of it, Jaehyun lowers himself onto the mattress, careful to leave space between his back and Jacob’s chest, knees raised towards him — in fetal position — like he does in his sleep. Jaehyun swears he can feel the warmth of Jacob’s breath lingering on the back of his neck.

“Okay,” Jacob eventually says, when silence has settled between them. “I’m going to touch you now, do you mind?”

What he wants to say is: _yes, I fucking mind_ , or _I’ll combust the second you touch me_ or _I’ve been waiting for this my entire life_ , but instead he breathes out an “okay,” and then squeezes his eyes shut and braces for impact.

The first brush is light, almost as if he’s imagining it, upwards along the length of his back. 

Jaehyun shivers and unconsciously pushes back against the touch, but it’s already gone, a blink and he’s already missed it.

Suddenly, before he can complain, there’s a hand on his hip, _Jacob’s_ hand on his hip, and Jaehyun inhales sharply. The hand draws him in closer, practically right up against Jacob’s chest now, and he briefly wonders if it’s impolite to hyperventilate when your therapeutic touch practitioner finally touches you in a way that matters.

“Still good?” Jacob whispers, right into his ear.

Jaehyun nods slowly, willing himself to relax against the heat at his back. He wonders how any of Jacob’s clients could have _this_ and not come back for more, how the clinic isn’t bursting with people, much like him, vying for a crumb of Jacob’s glowing warmth and attention.

They’re both quiet for a long moment. 

Jacob breaks it, again, with an unexpected: “I miss my family. I was thinking about them, when you walked in.” 

He says it under his breath, his voice hushed, but Jaehyun hears it all the same. 

He’s bursting at the seams with the need to do _something_ , the need to offer Jacob comfort, if he’s willing. In most situations, words come easily to Jaehyun, but vocalizing empathy has always been all but impossible. He compensates with touch, with an arm around a shoulder instead of _I’m here for you_ or a hair ruffle instead of _you did well_. 

Wincing internally, and ignoring the possibility of rejection, Jaehyun grabs the hand at his hip and drapes it around his waist.

“It’s weird,” Jacob continues, knuckles lightly brushing Jaehyun’s forearm and rising goosebumps on the skin. “I’ve been in Seoul for years now, you’d think I’d be over the homesickness.” 

He laughs and it comes out insincere; bitter and acidic and wholly un-Jacob. 

“I miss my mom’s cooking, you know? I miss _my_ _dogs_. I miss the horrible Canadian winters, even. It can snow until May over there, did you know?”

Jaehyun hums. 

“I didn’t. Kind of think you’re crazy for missing _that_.” A laugh startles out of Jacob; it sounds genuine this time, and a swell of affection threatens to flood Jaehyun’s veins, drown his lungs. He continues, murmuring: “I know about Lucky and Dexter, but tell me about the rest of it?”

Seconds, minutes, or hours later, Jaehyun is far too captivated by the slow drawl of Jacob’s voice to tell time. Jacob suddenly trails off from the childhood story he’s telling, and then tightens his hold on Jaehyun’s waist, stifling a yawn. 

If he were a better person, Jaehyun wouldn’t be reveling in the closeness — as it is, he’ll remember this for a very, very long time.

“Sorry, where was I?” Jacob asks.

A wide smile stretches across Jaehyun’s face, teeth and all, and he doesn’t even bother hiding it. “You and your brother were writing church-appropriate lyrics to Justin Bieber’s _Boyfriend_.”

He groans. 

“God, that was so embarrassing, Jaehyun, you have _no_ idea…” A contemplative pause as Jacob starts playing with Jaehyun’s fingers. “Actually, do you have any siblings? I don’t think you’ve ever said.”

“Yeah,” Jaehyun says, and he hates that his voice comes out a bit awed, touched that Jacob even bothered to ask. “An older sister.”

Jacob makes a noise of understanding. “Makes sense.”

Jaehyun taps a finger against Jacob’s hand. 

“What do you mean?” He asks, curiously.

“You’re… a very good listener,” Jacob explains. There’s a tiny flutter in Jaehyun’s belly at the praise. “With brothers, you usually just learn to talk over each other.”

“It would’ve been useless to even try,” says Jaehyun, and when Jacob laughs, he offers up a lopsided smile, though there’s no guarantee it’s seen. “She has me beat in a lot of things, and _volume_ is definitely one of them.”

“Tell me about her.”

Jaehyun squirms in place, trying to get comfortable, before he thinks _fuck it_ and turns himself onto his other side, facing Jacob. The arm on his waist tightens even further, and Jaehyun wonders if it’s mere reflex or a conscious action. 

“She’s two years older, lives in Jeju now but spent most of her twenties travelling — she’s the cooler sibling by far.”

Jacob grins, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “I can relate to that. My brother is the cooler sibling, too. Tattoos and everything.”

“I doubt that,” Jaehyun finds himself saying. 

He tries to picture an older version of Jacob, scruffy and mysterious, with various tattoos and longer, unkempt hair — while Jaehyun can objectively see the appeal, he doesn’t think those qualities necessarily make someone _cooler_. He tells Jacob as much.

Jacob rolls his eyes, playfully. “You’re a little biased.”

A sound of assent. “What’s wrong with that?”

Shrugging, Jacob cautiously moves his free hand, pressing it against the back of Jaehyun’s neck without breaking eye contact, always waiting for a hesitation, for a _no_ that will never come. He slides his fingers into Jaehyun’s hair, soothingly combing through the strands. 

Jaehyun makes a soft sound, and his heart is beating frantically, but he still leans into the touch, wondering how he suffered through multiple sessions without this... this proximity to Jacob.

In the back of his mind, Jaehyun knows that his thoughts are inappropriate, that his intentions as a client are _beyond_ unethical, that it’s delusional to perceive his interactions with Jacob as anything but platonic _therapeutic_ touch. However, for the first time since childhood, he’s thinking — simply, selfishly — of himself, of his own wants and needs and desires, completely disconnected from the expectations that weigh heavily on his shoulders. 

In this room, between these four walls, _on this mattress,_ Jaehyun can finally settle the perpetual heaviness in his stomach, shatter the ever-growing stone that threatens to sink him into the bottom of the void.

As he takes a deep breath, inhaling the intoxicating scent of citrus, sweat and detergent that he’s quickly associating with Jacob, Jaehyun feels grounded in the present. Panic and overthinking are an inevitability, but right now… he’s oddly at peace, and he refuses to poke and prod at the feeling until the beeping timer signals the end of their session.

***

“So,” Jacob says, from where he’s curled up against Jaehyun’s back, breaking the comfortable silence most of their sessions seem to fall into lately. “I should’ve asked earlier but… Is this a no-talking day?”

It surprises Jaehyun how quickly and easily Jacob learns to read him. 

He’s filed away the most miniscule tells in Jaehyun’s body language, the tone of his voice, the visible tension in his face. Throughout the weeks, Jacob starts to categorize their sessions according to Jaehyun’s moods — whether he’s open to talking or touching or even a combination of the two — and it’s been working out well so far. 

When he’s in a particular funk and doesn’t have the emotional capacity to dissect his thoughts, he knows he isn’t expected to, knows he can just exist within the four walls of this room, knows that Jacob won’t push him.

Jaehyun hums. “Not anymore.”

“Yeah?” He can hear the smile in Jacob’s voice. “I really like talking to you.”

Jaehyun pauses briefly before lightly joking, “wow, you’re either lying to my face or don’t have any other options.” He pretends to think about it. “Both sound pretty pathetic, actually.” 

When Jacob laughs, lightly swatting his arm, he hesitantly adds: “Believe it or not, a few years back… people would beg me to shut up.”

There’s something about the tone of Jacob’s voice, curious and compelling; it almost makes Jaehyun want to tell him everything. 

Almost. 

“Really? What happened?”

“I grew up.”

He lets out a breathy huff of laughter at Jacob’s complete silence. 

“Seriously. Kind of had to after university if I didn’t want to let my parents down. I love my sister, but she lives her life at their expense, y’know? People talk, especially in our neighbourhood. So I had to step up.”

“I get it — filial piety is important and all that.” He waves a hand dismissively. “But did you have a say at all?”

“Doesn’t really matter, does it?”

Jacob smoothes his hand over Jaehyun’s side, tracing fingers across his ribs. “Humour me.”

“It’s less about having a say and more about knowing what’s expected of me. I want to make them proud,” Jaehyun mumbles, going red with embarrassment. 

He’s never been such an open book, it’s humiliating. 

His cards are usually kept close to his chest, under lock and key, but a single word from Jacob and honesty is like an impulse.

Gentle hands find their way into Jaehyun’s hair, mindful not to catch on any tangles. 

Everything about Jacob is just that — _gentle._

“That’s really admirable, don’t get me wrong, but don’t you have your own dreams? Your own goals?”

Jaehyun frowns, instantly feeling too vulnerable in the position he’s in. Jacob’s words aren’t accusatory by any means, but they still hit a nerve, and there’s a sudden itch under his skin. 

“Wanting to make my parents proud is a dream. Successfully doing what’s expected of me is a goal.”

“Are they, though? Expectations are instilled in you.”

His answer is clipped. “That doesn’t change anything.”

“Jaehyun…” For the first time, Jacob sounds a bit pitiful. 

Jaehyun hates it. 

He hates that he’s being judged by someone who doesn’t even know him outside of these four walls, that Jacob thinks he knows enough about Jaehyun’s life to make all kinds of assumptions. He’s fucked up, said way too much when he should’ve stayed silent and kept his distance.

He bristles, escaping the arm wrapped around him like it burns, and then sits up, his defenses rising. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to live a simple life.”

“Have you thought about it, though?” Jacob is still gentle, but from anyone else it would sound condescending. “Every week, you come to our sessions absolutely miserable, like life has been sapped out of you. Is this really what you want?”

“You _don’t know_ what I want.” Jaehyun says, hands clammy. “You’re overstepping.”

Those two words seem to do the trick. Jacob retreats, and the bland, apologetic smile on his face makes Jaehyun nauseous. “You’re right. You're right, I’m sorry.”

The apology does anything but make Jaehyun feel better. 

It feels like a thousand steps backwards, like the friendly camaraderie they’ve established in the past two months has just fizzled up in front of him, like a goodbye. The next time Jaehyun sets foot in this office, he won’t be privy to any more anecdotes about Jacob’s week or memories from his childhood. 

Maybe it’s for the best, he thinks. 

While Jacob _is_ overstepping, he was clearly doing the same, and projecting his delusions onto the other man on top of that; Jacob is being friendly, but Jaehyun is taking advantage.

As he walks out of the room without a word, his tail between his legs, Jaehyun lets himself feel tremendous loss for a moment before turning it all off, mind already on the balancing sheets he’ll need to go over before bed.

***

The weeks leading up to the fiscal year-end are some of the busiest in Jaehyun’s department. 

The next seven days pass in a blur of sleep deprivation, frantic report-writing, hastily-made instant ramen shoved into a distracted mouth, too many hours spent in the office, and work, and work, and work.

Jaehyun is taken out of his body for hours at a time, only brought back to the present by a growling stomach or a necessary trip to the bathroom. 

It’s the best distraction, really; the kind that results in a satisfying exhaustion all the way down to his bones. 

Rather than a person, he can exist as a tiny piece of the puzzle, a functioning part of a well-oiled machine. Jaehyun knows his role, performs it well, exceeds expectations — nothing else matters.

Until Thursday rolls around, another report flipped to senior management for approval, and all the noise in his life is in the foreground once again.

Jaehyun is in the process of making himself the first warm meal of the week — a simple chamchijeon recipe he found a while back — when his phone rings. At first he doesn’t hear the ringtone, preoccupied by the sizzle of the pan, but at the second ring he’s grappling for the device, situated on a nearby counter between various jars of seasoning.

“Hello?” He says, without checking at the caller ID, pushing the pancakes around with a spatula.

He’s half-expecting an emergency call from the office, but the “Hello? Mr. Lee?” on the other end is completely unfamiliar. 

“Your appointment was supposed to begin fifteen minutes ago, would you like to reschedule?”

Jaehyun is taken aback. 

He forgot all about his weekly appointment with Jacob, feels like complete _shit_ to have missed it without calling beforehand, especially with the way their last session ended. The reminder of the previous week sends a wave of guilt through Jaehyun’s stomach, causing anxiety to settle at the root of his spine. Jaehyun wonders if it was a subconscious decision, that part of him willingly did this.

All week he kept himself too busy with work to dwell on the situation, but now that he is, he’s almost tempted to run out of the apartment right this second. 

It’s pathetic: how much he _wants_ , wants to make it to the clinic before the end of the hour, to apologize and make it right somehow. 

When he’s quiet for too long, the receptionist repeats, “Mr. Lee?”

He balances the phone between his ear and shoulder, and then turns off the heat, moving to flip the now crispy-brown chamchijeon onto a plate. 

“I’m here — sorry. I got caught up at work and the appointment slipped my mind,” he shakes with how utterly irresponsible and selfish he’s being, and at the expense of others. 

Instead of doing the _one_ thing that was expected of him as a client — the simple act of showing up — he was careless and wasted their time. Jaehyun feels sick; he’s an unreliable, negligent mess who is good for nothing but disappointment.

While it’s not the truth, to anyone else, to _Jacob_ , it’ll look like he’s being avoidant — one argument, and he bails. 

He wouldn’t blame Jacob for refusing to have any more sessions with him; no one deserves a client that couldn’t be trusted to attend their appointments. Counting down from three, Jaehyun takes a deep breath, clenches his fists and then says: “Please charge me for today’s session. I’m sorry for the trouble.”

Jaehyun hangs up.

Immediately, he has to brace himself on the counter, his knees weak.

There is panic in his chest, taking his lungs in a harsh grip, suffocating him, painting the edges of his vision white. 

He squeezes his eyes shut and mentally counts backwards from a hundred, wheezing in breath after breath. He needs to take control, swim to the shore before he’s swept up in a current of anxiety. 

Jaehyun pushes his back against the nearest wall, trying to ground himself.

He can’t remember the last time he’s felt panic so vividly, so all-consumingly. 

It’s been months, maybe half a year. 

To think he’s regressing so severely because he decided to fuck up his routine, because he conflated pleasure with necessity, because he went out of his way to waste Jacob’s time when he knew it was futile; therapeutic touch could never help someone like him, someone so… _broken_ , so unable to keep himself together.

Before he can fall too far down that rabbit hole, Jaehyun takes another deep breath, a little steadier this time, and starts counting down all over again. 

It’s a process, he tells himself, it’s a process and you’ll eventually get to the other side.

By the time he counts to forty-two, he’s brought back to the present by the chime of his phone, signalling an incoming text message. Jaehyun slides down against the wall with a sigh. He’s so exhausted, both mentally and physically, and wants to completely disengage from the situation — pretend it doesn’t exist, like his existence is far removed from it. 

Jaehyun decides right then, on his kitchen floor, that he needs to stay away from the clinic.

***

Christmas and New Years pass with the blink of an eye. 

Fresh snow now covers the ground in a thick blanket, the still-falling layers white and powdery. The busy days have become shorter, and the lonely nights longer.

Jaehyun throws himself into his workload, shaping his office into a second-home. 

There’s so much to do, so many clients to meet with, and that definitely helps, gives him an excuse to be preoccupied by anything but his own life. Jaehyun makes a habit of ignoring any personal calls, avoiding anyone who isn’t his mother; he’s gotten a total of four missed calls from the clinic, each more tempting than the last, but in the end he goes the coward route of blocking the number as a precaution.

He attempts to forget Jacob (his glowing grin; his broad, callused hands; the muffled giggle of his laugh), tries to focus on other things, like the financial statements piling on his desk, waiting for approval, or the plans he has to make before visiting his family for Seollal. 

It works, more often than not, but thoughts of him still trickle in when Jaehyun is least expecting it.

It’s difficult, when you don’t really know someone, yet on an intimate level they could have known you.

Jaehyun tries not to dwell on it, though, and life goes on.

***

Meeting up with his closest friends is less of an event than it had been when they were fresh out of university, relishing in the freedoms and adventure of adulthood for the first time. 

For one, there’s much, much less drinking. 

The revamped dinner-and-drinks get together with Younghoon and Juyeon has become more of a rare occasion to complain about the woes of full-time employment — an opportunity to unwind and pretend things haven’t changed.

It’s been three months since they gifted him with their self-care package, and they’re still none-the-wiser regarding whether he actually uses it. 

Jaehyun hasn’t mentioned it and somehow they haven’t asked. 

He’s two drinks into the evening (his recently self-imposed limit) and pleasantly buzzed when he decides to finally address the elephant in the room.

“A massage package,” he deadpans, nudging Juyeon with his shoulder. “Really?”

Juyeon squints at him, bleary-eyed. “Hyung?”

“My birthday present. When exactly were you going to make me aware of the whole ‘cuddle therapy’ thing?”

Younghoon snorts. 

“And spoil the surprise?” He peers at Jaehyun, like he knows he’s hiding something. “Spill. How did it go?”

“Not telling you.”

“Why not?” Younghoon whines.

“Hmm,” Jaehyun says, cradling his glass in both hands. “Maybe because my best friends _lied_ to me? Deceived me? Played me for a fool?” 

Jaehyun knows he’s being a bit too dramatic, but he thinks they deserve it.

“Come on… It was for your birthday, Jaehyun, we meant well,” Juyeon agrees with Younghoon, offering a fervent nod. “Did you even give it a try, or did you run out of there immediately?”

Jaehyun purses his lips contemplatively. 

He has to figure out how to answer Younghoon without falling for the taunt, without getting caught by the trap he’s carefully laid out.

“I didn’t run out,” Jaehyun says airly. “I went to the first appointment, since it was already scheduled, got your money’s worth, and then never went back. So there. I _did_ give it a try.”

Younghoon rolls his eyes. “At least tell me who you had the session with. I’m familiar with everyone because a friend of a friend owns the clinic.”

A drop of sweat slowly rolls down the back of Jaehyun’s neck. 

He needs to be the absolute pinnacle of nonchalance, or Younghoon will read every flicker of emotion on his face. 

“Uh… I think his name was Jacob? Jason? It was an English name.” 

Taking a sip of his beer, he looks around, eyes scanning the room casually.

His gaze falls on the last person he expects to see here, on a Friday evening, in the middle of his regular bar. Jacob is mid-laugh, his head thrown back in mirth, and he becomes the focal point of Jaehyun’s vision. Jaehyun makes contact with molten pools of brown, and then his mind goes blank, he’s suddenly rooted in place.

He doesn’t know what he expected, but the unexplainable feeling in the center of his chest — not uncomfortable as much as it is _unfamiliar_ — is back. It’s the first time he’s seen Jacob since the day he walked out of the clinic, and all he wants to do is stare, and stare and stare; enjoy his fill before Jacob disappears again.

Unfortunately, Younghoon is following his line of sight, and his stare-off with Jacob is soon interrupted. “No _way_ … Jacob! Hey, over here!” 

The bar isn’t loud enough to warrant yelling, but Younghoon does anyway.

Jaehyun quickly looks down at his lap, biting his bottom lip. 

There’s no avoiding the inevitable: Younghoon calls Jacob to their table, Jacob says something — at best, he’s polite, at worst he completely ignores Jaehyun’s existence — Jaehyun makes a fool out of himself and tries to run away, Younghoon doesn’t let him, he never sees Jacob again and _this_ is the last impression he makes.

His mind is so tirelessly cycling through various escape plans, desperate for a way to navigate the situation with his dignity intact, that he doesn’t notice Jacob approaching. 

“Hello.”

“Jacob!” Younghoon exclaims, positively delighted. “It’s been ages, huh? How are you?”

Jacob just shrugs, signature smile fixed on his face. 

“Pretty good, I guess.” His tone is neutral, but the words translate in Jaehyun’s brain as _better without having to deal with you._ It makes him squirm in his seat. “I was just grabbing a drink with Chanhee and Changmin, actually.”

(The names sound very familiar to Jaehyun, but he’s too in his head to worry about it.)

Younghoon raises both his eyebrows so high they disappear behind his bangs. “And you didn’t drag them over here with you? I’m almost offended.”

“I could go grab them?”

“Don’t bother,” Younghoon says, and then clears his throat. “Choi Chanhee! Ji Changmin! I know you can see me, get your asses over here!”

“Hyung, you’re going to get us kicked out,” Juyeon complains, still nursing his first beer.

Younghoon ignores him, pushing his chair closer to Jaehyun’s to make room at their table. “Jacob, slide over a few chairs, won’t you?”

After taking a deep breath, Jaehyun has almost convinced himself that he can survive this, but then he sees Jacob taking a seat on his other side and shrinks back into himself, keeping his eyes locked on the table.

“Younghoon,” one of the new voices greets a few seconds later. “Younghoon’s friends. A pleasure.”

“Brat,” Younhoon returns. “Stop addressing me so casually. And you,” he tugs the other person into a warm hug, ruffling his hair. “It’s been _way_ too long, Changmin. Your boyfriend keeping you under lock and key?”

Changmin laughs. “Maybe we were avoiding you, hyung.”

Younghoon rolls his eyes. “This is Lee Jaehyun, my longest friend, and Lee Juyeon, our junior from university.”

Chanhee gives them both once-overs before nodding in greeting, while Changmin waves at them.

“This is the funniest coincidence — Jaehyun, Chanhee owns the clinic.”

Jaehyun grips his glass tightly. “Oh yeah?”

“Juyeon and I got Jaehyun a package for his birthday,” Younghoon continues, completely oblivious to the growing tension as Chanhee gazes back at Jaehyun with a hint of recognition. “We were just talking about his experience. He wasn’t too awkward, right, Jacob?”

The look on Jacob’s face looks out of place, uncomfortable and hesitant, almost bone-weary. 

There’s an obvious tightness between his shoulders. He clearly does not want to talk about this, about Jaehyun, but he’s still going to let Younghoon push him into it, because he’s kind and selfless and respectful. 

In the end, _that_ is what breaks Jaehyun.

He stands up, dusting off his jeans. 

“Uh… I’m going to the bathroom,” Jaehyun says abruptly, and then forces himself to walk slowly, calmly, careful not to show a hint of the fear rushing through his veins.

Before Jaehyun realizes it, he’s out in the chilly January air, goosebumps rising on the back of his arms.

He takes a deep breath to slow down the erratic beats of his heart, leaning back against the storefront to the left of the bar. The cold air burns down his chest, sending a shiver down his spin, but Jaehyun is distracted by how scattered his mind is. 

He’s desperately trying to make sense of the overreaction he had; he could have played it cool, could have denied anything Chanhee brought up — because surely, with the looks he was giving Jaehyun, he knew _something_. 

Instead, he made a fool of himself, and now they were most definitely ridiculing him, laughing at how absolutely pathetic he is.

 _It’s almost funny_ , Jaehyun thinks, how he’s so used to being the analytical one, to planning in advance, to being five steps ahead of even himself, yet he didn’t even entertain the probability of running into Jacob. 

It’s as if he’s stuck in a lucid nightmare; initially wanting this outing as a chance to get out of his head, but now he’s stuck so deep that he can’t even make sense of his actions. His cluttered thoughts are molasses-slow and the threat of being pulled in, of drowning in them, is heady. 

As Jaehyun stands in the frigid winter with only a thin t-shirt on his back, he’s aware of the very real possibility of frostbite if he doesn’t walk back into the bar soon. 

It’s not as concerning as it should be. 

His fists continue to clench and unclench unconsciously, and there’s an indent on his bottom lip from how hard he’s biting down, but even ten minutes later, calmness still seems so far away.

The decision is made for him, when he spots a familiar figure walking out of the bar, closer and closer towards him.

Jacob settles in the space next to him, familiarly quiet, and his proximity rattles Jaehyun, has him tucking his fists away to hide the way they tremble.

“Jaehyun,” he eventually says, and then hesitates. “Can I speak informally? We’re not… I know we’re not in the middle of a session, so I don’t know if it’s still appropriate, but—”

Jaehyun cuts him off with a short nod.

“Okay,” Jacob breathes out. “Okay, then I just wanted to apologize for making you uncomfortable back there.” 

Jaehyun doesn’t follow, but can’t seem to get a word out, his teeth chattering. 

“We shouldn’t have accepted Younghoon’s invitation. You clearly had a horrible experience at the clinic, with _me_ , and I get it, in your shoes, I wouldn’t want to see myself again either—” 

He keeps rambling, and none of it makes sense to Jaehyun. Why is Jacob apologizing so profusely, when _he_ was the one who fucked up? The one who ran away instead of owning up to his mistakes?

“What,” Jaehyun bits out. “What do you mean I had a horrible experience?”

Jacob blinks, repeatedly, and Jaehyun has to pinch himself not to get distracted by the flutter of his eyelashes. “You never came back? I thought…”

Jaehyun hides behind his hands. He doesn’t want to think about how Jacob came to that conclusion. Inhaling shallowly, he says: “Can we go inside?”

“Shit, I’m an idiot, you must be freezing.” 

He ushers Jaehyun back into the bar, hand hovering over the small of his back. Jaehyun might be shivering, but he swears he can feel the warmth radiating off of his hand.

Jaehyun refuses to move past the lobby, and then curls into himself, rubbing his hands against his arms.

“Wait,” Jacob says, removing his jacket and then draping it across Jaehyun’s shoulders without pause. 

“Sorry, I should’ve asked before…” He trails off, raising his hands and taking a couple steps back, like he’s a _threat_ to Jaehyun, and Jaehyun would laugh himself sick if he wasn’t currently indisposed.

“I didn’t have a bad experience,” Jaehyun mumbles, after a stretch of silence. 

The blood returning to his body goes straight to his chest, his neck, his face, the creeping blush turning him red.

Jacob seems at a loss for words, his mouth opening and closing several times before he finally says: “You didn’t?”

“Not really.”

“But,” Jacob’s eyebrows are furrowed. “Why didn’t you ever reschedule? Or make any appointments in the past, what, two months?”

Jaehyun feels worse knowing Jacob noticed. 

_Of course he did_ , Jaehyun thinks, he’s nice and friendly and warm, but his absence shouldn’t even be a blimp on Jacob’s radar. He sighs. 

“I’ve been swapped with work,” he explains, sucking his lower lip into his mouth. “Fiscal year-end and all that.” 

It’s not exactly a lie, but he’s definitely leveraging it as an excuse. Jaehyun can’t exactly tell Jacob he’s convinced _he_ is the one taking advantage of Jacob’s kindness, the one who will inevitably make Jacob uncomfortable.

“So you’ll be back afterwards?”

Jaehyun has to look up at that. Jacob is absolutely devastating, a hopeful twinkle in his eye, and Jaehyun is too weak to prevent his lips from forming around the “yes,” he exhales.

“Yeah?” He grins, content written in the corners of his eyes, and the word _devastating_ isn’t even enough anymore. 

Jaehyun might be making a huge mistake, but in the moment, he thinks it’s worth it.

Throat dry, Jaehyun nods. 

“Sure. We’re still busy until Seollal, but afterwards…” He scratches the back of his neck. “I’ll make an appointment.”

“An appointment with me,” Jacob says, like there’s a chance Jaehyun would even think of replacing him. “Can’t have anyone stealing my clients.” 

He emphasizes the _my_ , and Jaehyun’s mind fills with white noise.

“Sure,” Jaehyun says again.

“You promise?” He teases.

“Um,” Jaehyun says, and then swallows to wet his throat, subtly trying to burrow himself in Jacob’s jacket, which doesn’t work because they’re about the same size. “Yes?”

“Good.”

***

Jaehyun is in Songdo for two days and three nights before he stops feeling antsy, high strung, like he’s about to jitter out of his skin.

In that time, he rearranges his childhood bedroom, dusts every flat surface, takes Darong out for multiple walks, and accompanies his mother on all of her errands. His family, thankfully, miss Jaehyun enough to want to spend every waking moment with him. 

If he’s not with his mom, visiting her newest favourite brunch spot or the local grocery store, he’s bickering with his older sister over the TV remote, or bringing out drinks for his father and his Saturday night poker buddies, politely answering the usual questions about living in Seoul and his career and _when he’s going to settle down with a nice girl, already_. 

He’s come to not mind it much, because it’s either he keeps busy, keeps his mind preoccupied, or he’ll succumb to wasting his entire week off and overthink every step he’s taken in the past six months.

All in all, it’s a pretty standard trip home.

The only hiccup comes on the afternoon before his return to Seoul, in the form of a KakaoTalk message from an ID he doesn’t recognize.

 _Hi_ , the notification reads, simple and perplexing. 

Jaehyun doesn’t give out his own ID often — if ever — and can’t remember being asked for it recently. He brushes it off as spam, and drops his phone face-down on the sofa, turning back to the episode of _Money Heist_ his sister is watching. 

The follow-up text comes two minutes later, phone vibrating audibly against his thigh, and while the ID is no longer anonymous, it doesn’t exactly answer his question of _how_. 

It says: _This is Jacob, by the way. Sorry, I should’ve led with that._

 _Almost wrote you off as spam, haha_ , Jaehyun types, biting his lip, _did Younghoon give you my KKT?_

Jaehyun opens Jacob’s profile — the picture is set to an adorable, glasses-clad dog, and before he can think twice, he also sends: _Is that Lucky or Dexter?_

Within seconds he receives a litany of replies, one after the other:

**bae jacob**

  
I may or may not have committed a felony  
I took a peek at your file…  
only for your number, I promise!!  
haha that’s lucky~ Isn’t he cute?

 **lee jaehyun** **  
** ???  
And you couldn’t wait to ask me for it, because…?  
I do agree that lucky is very, very cute, though.  
he wouldn’t agree with his owner’s breach of privacy~

 **bae jacob** **  
** welllllll  
It’s not a breach of privacy unless you feel that way  
and you don’t... right? 😌

It’s easy — conversing with Jacob when there’s forty kilometers and a phone screen between them. 

They go back and forth for almost an hour, lighthearted and teasing, and then pick the conversation right up a few hours later. They talk about their respective Seollal plans — Jacob is spending it in Busan with a few friends, and their mindless TV series of choice — Jacob is binging _Top Chef_ lately, and Jaehyun even introduces him to Darong via a series of photos — Jacob thinks he’s _cute_ , which shouldn’t make his stomach flip, but it does. 

Jaehyun almost feels like he’s getting to know a different side of him; the snarky Jacob his friends are familiar with, rather than the amiable yet politely distant Jacob from the clinic.

Jacob doesn’t get to the reason behind his first message until Jaehyun is already in bed, comforter pulled to his chin, far too exhausted but not yet willing to say goodnight.

 **bae jacob** **  
** wait wait wait  
I got distracted!!!  
hypothetically,  
how do you feel about home visits?

  
**lee jaehyun** **  
** Depends on what that entails?

 **bae jacob** **  
** for your sessions!  
since you’re so busy with work  
I can come to you instead  
you know.. make it easier for you  
would that work?  
  


Jaehyun is suddenly jolted into wakefulness. 

He’s not sure how to respond to that — how to sound casual instead of eager, instead of longing and hopeful and _greedy_. It takes him a few minutes to come up with an appropriate reply.

 **lee jaehyun** **  
** That would be really helpful, actually.  
I’d appreciate it.

 **bae jacob** **  
** cool!  
I might have an ulterior motive… now you have no excuse to skip  
hahaha~

A flush travels all the way to the tips of Jaehyun’s ears. 

Surely, he thinks, Jacob is just trying to secure another regular client onto his roster. Jaehyun sends him a thumbs up emoji, and then presses the button that puts his phone to sleep, shoving it under his pillow. He faces the wall and closes his eyes so tightly his vision is filled with moving spots of colour.

Sleep doesn’t come easily that night, but when his body finally gives in, he falls into a peaceful, dreamless slumber.

***

The first home visit appointment falls on a Friday evening, rather than the usual Thursday afternoon.

Jacob is punctual and arrives at exactly six p.m., and Jaehyun feels overdressed after taking in how casual he looks. 

Underneath his long puffer jacket is a well-worn, almost threadbare grey sweater paired with faded, loose jeans — he’s _cosy_ , dressed appropriately for an hour of cuddling. Jaehyun, however, is still mostly in his stuffy work suit — jacket and tie abandoned, but still much too uptight.

“Would you like anything to drink? Tea? Water?” Jaehyun asks, for lack of anything better to say, neatly hanging Jacob’s puffer on the coat rack.

Jacob grins. “I’m more of a coffee person, but I’m good with water.”

Jaehyun nods stiffly, all but scurrying into the kitchen. 

As an afterthought, he remembers that Jacob is still standing in front of the door, and then peeks his head through the entrance, calling out: “Please make yourself comfortable in the living room.”

Only slightly buzzing with anxiety, Jaehyun puts on hot water for his own tea, his short nails clacking against the counter as he waits. When it comes to a boil, he drops a lemon and ginger tea bag into his favourite Iron Man mug — an old birthday present from his sister — and fills it with hot water. 

He then grabs the mug and a cold water bottle from the fridge for Jacob, and makes his way to the living room, gnawing on his lower lip. Jacob seemed to be absorbed in his excuse for a bookshelf, filled with more useless DVDs and vinyl records than actual reading material. 

In his hands is a framed photograph of Jaehyun’s family — his parents are bracketed on both sides of Jaehyun, full of pride, and his sister is crouched down in front of them, arms outstretched as if to say _there he is, that’s my brother_. 

It was taken at his university graduation, and his smile looks almost painfully wide, it’s hard to believe it’s the same Jaehyun, that their existences are separated by a few years rather than an entire lifetime.

Jaehyun sets the drinks on his underused coasters — another gift, from his mom — and Jacob turns around at the unexpected noise, his expression startled and a bit bashful.

“Sorry,” Jacob says, with the frame still in hand, and not looking particularly apologetic. “I can be really nosy — this is such a cute picture.”

“Um,” Jaehyun rubs the back of his neck. “Thanks. It’s one of my mom’s favourites.”

Jacob brings it with him across the room and sets it on the coffee table. 

“I was trying to do that whole… judge people based on their book collection thing. But you’re not much of a reader, huh?” He sits down facing Jaehyun and grins. “Trust me, that’s not a bad thing — the only reading I do involves manga.”

Before Jaehyun can even think about defending his literacy, Jacob’s eyes fall on the Iron Man mug, which should probably be more of a concern than the lack of books in his apartment. 

“Oh my God… You’re a secret nerd, aren’t you?” Jacob says gleefully, like the prospect of Jaehyun liking superhero movies is endearing and not at all embarrassing.

Both hands come up to cover Jaehyun’s face. He can feel the tips of his ears burning.

Jacob laughs and lowers Jaehyun’s hands. 

“You don’t have to be embarrassed. As far as guilty pleasures go... It’s no fursuit.” He lifts a brow. “Unless there’s something you’d like to tell me. What kind of skeletons will I find in your closet, Lee Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun falls backwards onto the sofa, using a cushion to shield the involuntary blush from Jacob’s eyes.

A shadow falls over him, and then Jacob is pulling down the cushion and throwing it aside, hovering above Jaehyun, _way_ too close. His eyes are crinkled up and his teeth are so white they glitter. He’s warm and solid and smells like lavender detergent and Jaehyun can do nothing but stare, mouth slightly agape.

Moments pass as Jacob stares back, eyes going back and forth, and Jaehyun can’t help but wonder what’s running through his mind, if Jacob is anticipating something the way he is, before he leans out of Jaehyun’s space. 

“Sorry,” he says sheepishly.

A bubble of disappointment pops in Jaehyun’s chest — a feeling he sets aside for later dissection, for when he’s able to look at things objectively and isn’t feeling so… goopy.

Jaehyun puts on the second Thor movie, and Jacob arranges their limbs to his liking; an arm around Jaehyun and Jaehyun’s leg thrown on top of his, burrowed so close he’s nearly in Jacob’s lap. 

One of Jacob’s hands starts stroking his upper arm halfway through and keeps at it until the credits roll. 

It’s surprisingly comfortable, so Jaehyun doesn’t let his thoughts get ahead of him — _Jacob is just doing his job_ , he reminds himself in a repeating mantra, Jacob’s job entails intimate touch, Jacob is behaving professionally and so should he.

So every time Jaehyun lets Jacob into his home, he feels raw; like he’s being peeled layer by layer, slowly disarmed, letting Jacob bear witness to more of his essence.

Unlike their sessions in the office, the vulnerability goes both ways now. 

Jacob offers more; about his life, his quirks, his passions. Though he can play an array of instruments, the guitar is his favourite and he brings it with him once, walking Jaehyun through the chords for _You Were Beautiful_ by DAY6. 

His caffeine intake is concerning, but he assures Jaehyun he’s working on it. 

He hates all forms of horror, and can’t sit through jumpscares or gore. 

He thinks his Korean is still a work in process, and doesn’t shy from asking for clarifications. He’s extremely hardworking, and much like Jaehyun, is always on the go; busy with his Music Technology Master’s or playing basketball with a group of local Expats, or giving pro-bono guitar lessons. 

One evening, warm under Jaehyun’s comforter, he confesses that appointments are often the only time he can completely shut his brain off and _relax_.

Session after session, Jaehyun catalogs all that conveys the likeliness of Bae Jacob, and whenever Jacob gets a certain look in his eye, intense and scorching and considering, Jaehyun wonders if that goes both ways, too.

***

Slowly, their sessions start to get longer.

What was once an hour-long affair evolves into an hour and a half, and then two, and then three. They have dinner together now and Jaehyun finds that comfortable, too.

The first few times, the meals are simple and homemade, courtesy of Jaehyun — and despite how much he frets, Jacob is nothing but complimentary. However, in an effort to change things up, Jacob insists on introducing Jaehyun to his favourite chicken place, that Jaehyun needs to try it at least once, that Jaehyun is sure to have an out-of-body experience, so that’s what they end up having that evening.

(To say Jaehyun has an out-of-body experience is an understatement.)

Jaehyun leans back on one hand, stomach full to burst. He feels like he’s back in university, gorging himself on nothing but seasoned fried chicken. He pats his stomach. 

“God, I don’t think I remember ever feeling this full.”

Jacob laughs, and then sucks his lower lip into his mouth. “Told you it was good.”

“I thought you were exaggerating,” Jaehyun groans. “In case you haven’t noticed, you do that a lot.”

Jacob aims a cushion at his head, and it hits him directly on target, as Jaehyun is much too lethargic to move. “I’m making the decision to ignore that.”

Before he can contemplate how childish it is, Jaehyun sticks his tongue out. It’s unsettling, how reminiscent it is of how he acted _before_ ; before graduating and before his demanding fulltime job and before he stopped fighting to keep his head above water. 

A laugh is startled out of Jacob, his mouth stretched wide over gleaming teeth, and in the moment, Jaehyun can’t find it in him to dwell on it.

“Okay,” Jacob says. “How about we move to the main event?” 

At Jaehyun’s raised brow, he adds: “Get on the couch, Mr. Lee. I don’t have all day.”

Jaehyun blushes, both at the mocking formality and what almost sounds like… an order. He doesn’t mind it — he really, really doesn’t. He tries not to trip over his feet with how quickly he hurries over to comply, sitting down and then staring up at Jacob as if to ask _what now?_

Jacob raises an eyebrow. “I don’t know about you, but I like to lie down after a huge meal.”

The couch is on the spacious side and wouldn’t be too tight of a fit, but they’ve strictly stuck to vertical cuddling since relocating to Jaehyun’s apartment — Jaehyun doesn’t know if he’ll survive, given the recent developments in how Jacob acts around him. 

Nonetheless, he lies down, unbelievably awkward and unsure where to put his limbs.

Jacob grabs the remote and climbs in behind him, rearranging Jaehyun to fit against his chest, their legs tangled together. He squirms for a few seconds, making himself comfortable, and then it’s all steady weight against Jaehyun’s back and warm puffs of breath against his nape and a calloused hand slowly stroking his forearm. 

Jacob turns the television on at some point, humming in his ear, but Jaehyun is deep in his head, considering all the points where they touch.

Jaehyun tells himself _this is nothing new_ , because quite frankly it isn’t, but it feels different, somehow — momentous, even. The tiny voice in his head that sounds a fair bit like Younghoon says, _what do you know, you’ve never been in a relationship_. 

While true, Jaehyun is not oblivious, it’s more like he voluntarily never sought out the experience. 

So when Jacob gently combs a hand through his curls and whispers, “I’ve never seen your hair like this. So… curly. I like it,” Jaehyun feels something come to life in his chest… something charged and overwhelming and very, very real.

“You okay in there?” Jacob asks a while later, playfully knocking on his temple. “You’re quiet tonight. I can shut up, if you’d like.... Just say the word, okay?”

“Hmm,” Jaehyun hums and then lies. “You don’t have to. I’m just thinking.”

Jacob digs his chin into Jaehyun’s shoulder, peering at the side of his face. 

Jaehyun refuses to make eye contact, staring straight ahead — he’s confident that Jacob already feels his heart loudly thumping, so a single look is bound to give him away. He doesn’t think he’s ready for that… to be let down so gently, with Jacob’s face unbearably sympathetic and full of pity, to give this up… whatever _this_ has become.

He also isn’t ready for Jacob to move the hand in his hair to his chin, and then slowly lift, studying his face. Jaehyun feels like he’s way out of his depth. He tries to keep his gaze fixed below eye level, but there’s an unyielding pull against his nerve endings and he’s tired of fighting — so he looks.

Jacob’s eyes search Jaehyun’s for a moment, two, three, and then he exhales, closing his eyes. 

When his gaze returns, his stare is intense and his eyes burn like white-hot embers, glowing and scorching at its core. His mouth is slightly open, like he’s waiting for the right moment to speak.

Something must show on his face — panic, maybe — because Jacob smiles, gentle and warm and as familiar as his favourite duvet and suddenly Jaehyun feels fearless.

He leans in, instinctively and impulsively, and then Jacob’s leaning in too, tilting his head to fit his mouth against Jaehyun’s.

The sound Jaehyun makes as he presses his mouth to Jacob’s upper lip is unexpected and high in his throat, but before he can freeze in embarrassment, Jacob tightens the hold on his chin, pulls him in so they’re chest to chest. 

Jacob’s lips are warm and chapped and unbelievably tentative, like this is something to be savoured — like this, this moment, is something he’s thought about, too. He leaves peck after peck on Jaehyun’s lower lip, and then on the bow of his upper one, and then against the corners of his mouth; every press is fleeting, but they leave heat in their wake.

Jaehyun wonders if his inexperience is apparent, whether it’s obvious from how he’s completely given himself up to Jacob, letting him set the pace. He doesn’t seem to mind, if the slide of his thumbs against Jaehyun’s cheekbones is indicative of anything, but Jaehyun hesitates all the same.

“Fuck — I’m so sorry,” Jacob breathes out, reading Jaehyun’s moment of uncertainty _all_ _wrong_ , and Jaehyun can’t stand how he sounds — guilty and distressed and small.

He kisses Jacob again, almost aggressively so, desperate and affirming and trying to explain everything he can’t put into words. 

He tries to say, _I like this_ , and he tries to say, _I’ve never known want before you_ , and he really tries to say, _you make me feel things I’ve forgotten how to feel._

***

They don’t talk about the kissing, despite it happening again, and again, and again. In greeting and out of fondness and to shut each other up and _just because_.

The first kiss stays chaste and soft and mostly close-mouthed, and then Jacob goes home soon after, pressing one final kiss to the corner of Jaehyun’s mouth and smiling shyly before he whispers goodbye. Jacob leaves Jaehyun wanting more and Jaehyun wonders if he’s taking it slow for his benefit, digesting the cues from Jaehyun’s moment of hesitation and being careful not to overwhelm him.

That’s not the case — as Jaehyun soon learns the next time they’re curled up on the couch, Jacob insistent on giving Jaehyun an in-depth _Top Chef_ education. 

Jaehyun makes a silly comment and instead of laughing and turning back to the program, Jacob kisses him, messy and wet, sucking Jaehyun’s button lip into his mouth as he brings a hand up to cup the back of his neck. 

It’s over before Jaehyun knows it, and Jacob’s eyes are once again fixed on the TV like he didn’t just take Jaehyun’s breath away.

Naturally, Jaehyun begins to overthink.

Jaehyun cannot look past Jacob’s nonchalance, the easy way he leans in, while his own lips tremble.

He wonders if his delusion finally got the best of him, if everything leading up to that kiss merely happened in his head, if he was projecting his own discombobbled feelings onto Jacob.

As he quickly descends into the pit of his mind, his apprehension seems more and more justified. He doesn’t know what Jacob’s dynamic is like with his other clients — the kissing could be an extension of therapeutic touch, an upgrade of his services, and Jaehyun would be none the wiser. Nothing about Jacob’s actions, or his words, or his body language, has changed since that first kiss. 

Who’s to say, Jaehyun thinks, that this isn’t the next step in client-practitioner intimacy? 

How would he, Perpetual Single Lee Jaehyun, know the difference between a platonic kiss and a romantic one?

And then he wonders, _should it even matter?_

Suddenly, his thoughts are being propelled in the other direction. The dread is replaced with apathy, and the sadness with numbness. _It doesn’t matter_ , he thinks, _not to me and certainly not to Jacob_. 

It’s very much a lie, but it’s one he can train himself to believe — to fake till he makes it a reality.

Jaehyun knows, in that moment, that he will go along with it — the kissing, and the elevated intimacy and everything else Jacob throws his way. He’s familiar with repression, has become somewhat of an expert in the last ten years, and he convinces himself that it won’t be any different; he’ll keep the emotions at bay like he always has. 

He will accept anything Jacob offers him, and he will bask in it like a moth to a flame and when the time comes, when Jacob’s light finally sets him aflame, he will have his memories and it will be worth it.

***

Winter eases into Spring and Jaehyun learns to adapt from the blossoming earth.

It becomes easier — to settle into the novelty that kissing brings to his professional relationship with Jacob. The newness wears off pretty quickly; Jaehyun becomes familiar with the plump swell of Jacob’s lower lip the same he has his rough hands, the curl of fingers in his hair. 

In retrospect, it’s no more intimate than tangling their legs together or Jacob’s breath flirting with the nap of his neck.

If Jacob notices a change in his behaviour, in the sudden lack of the blushing and trembling and catching of breath that followed their first few kisses, he doesn’t say. It’s the confirmation that Jaehyun needs, really; Jacob may have learnt to read his moods and body language, but Jaehyun still knows himself best, and Jaehyun still knows how to seamlessly fit himself into the expectations of others. 

How he responds to Jacob becomes just that — an expectation like any other. 

But for once in his life, this is for _him_ ; not for his mother, or his father, or their church, or the company board of directors. He’s giving himself _this_ , and it might be at the expense of sinking a little further, but all indulgences come at a price and this is one he’s willing to pay.

***

Jacob is cancelling on him, for the second week in a row.

It’s the end of the semester, so Jaehyun can empathize, he _can_ , but somewhere along the line, in the weeks between the beginning of February and the drizzling month of April, he’s come to anticipate his sessions with Jacob. 

Friday evenings, once filled with dinner and drinks with his closest friends, slowly become _their_ evenings. The apartment feels empty without the wheeze of his laugh and the conflicting sight of his dirty Air Forces next to Jaehyun’s work oxfords.

As he picks up his phone and contemplates texting Jacob, considers inviting him to study in Jaehyun’s apartment instead, where he won’t have to deal with his anal roommate, Jaehyun comes to a realization. 

Despite his precautions, he’s ruined; Jacob has ruined him — completely, wholly. 

Two weeks and he’s desperate, craving a meeting of lips that might not mean anything, but it settles warmth in the pit of his stomach all the same, quiets his ever-racing mind all the same.

Jaehyun texts him, _Come study over here, you’ll get dinner for your troubles_ , and when he gets a thumbs up and three heart-eye emojis in reply, Jaehyun cannot control the involuntary grin splitting his face.

“What’s for dinner?” is the first thing Jacob says when Jaehyun opens his door twenty minutes later. 

He looks exhausted, dead on his feet, but the pleased crinkling of his eyes have never been more captivating.

“Wow,” Jaehyun lets him in, offering Jacob a raised eyebrow. “Should’ve known you were only here for the free meal.”

“Thank you for your hospitality, Lee Jaehyun. You’re a sight for sore eyes, Lee Jaehyun. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Lee Jaehyun,” Jacob intones sweetly, batting his lashes.

Jaehyun blushes, then frowns, itching to hide behind something.

Jacob’s guttural laughter follows him into the living room and Jaehyun thinks: _there you are_.

Ever since that first day, Jacob no longer has to be told to make himself comfortable.

Jacob is methodologically unpacking the contents of his backpack onto the coffee table — his laptop, a single black pen and then a green highlighter, followed by a notebook that has seen better days — rolling his bottom lip between his teeth, humming to himself; the craters under his eyes are bruised purple, standing out against the pallor of his skin, and he looks smaller than usual, the bulk of his build burrowed in his university hoodie. 

Jaehyun drinks him in like a man parched; he’s the most beautiful person Jaehyun has seen in weeks.

Once satisfied, he looks up at Jaehyun, then smiles slowly and tilts his head in question.

Jaehyun steps back before he can do anything foolish, like ask for a kiss, and points his thumb towards the kitchen. “I should let you be… Get started on the dinner I promised and all that. Any requests?”

Jacob hums in thought. “Japchae?”

A long moment of silence stretches between them as Jaehyun takes a mental stock of the ingredients in his kitchen. He has some leftover beef from last night, so he can make a proper meal of it — the kind Jacob deserves after the weeks he’s had. 

He nods, then, coming to a decision.

Then, out of nowhere, Jacob’s eyes go all soft and gentle, giving him a look that could bury itself into Jaehyun’s chest and make a home of it, warming him for the rest of his life. 

“Thank you,” he says, resting an elbow against the coffee table, cradling his cheek in his hand. “I’ve never—” He swallows, and then closes his eyes before opening them again. “This really means a lot to me. So. Thanks.”

Jaehyun nods again. 

“Anytime,” He doesn’t explicitly say _I’d do it for you a million times, just say the word_ , yet he all but implies the sentiment. “Good luck on your thesis,” he quickly adds, face pinking in embarrassment, before he hurries to take sanctuary in the kitchen. 

Standing in front of his fridge, Jaehyun tenses, then relaxes, all in one beat. He exhales the jitters and nerves, setting his unwavering focus on the meal ahead of him.

And then he gets to work.

Within fifteen minutes, Jaehyun has all the vegetables washed and prepped; the mushrooms are marinating in a mixture of soy sauce, honey, brown sugar, and sesame oil, the spinach is blanched and seasoned, and the onions, carrots and red peppers are chopped and set aside. 

His sleeves are rolled up to his elbows as he works and his forehead is glistening with beads of sweat.

He’s lost in the process of it; in the easy glide around his kitchen, in the familiar sound of his not-sharp-enough all purpose knife clacking against the cutting board. 

It reminds Jaehyun of his childhood; his mother first teaches him the art of cooking to give him something to do — lest he’d jump off the walls in an attempt to curb his boredom — and because she knows him best, it works. 

He becomes her helper, her sous-chef whenever dinner demands extra hands. 

Every technique he uses was hers first, and her mother’s before that, and as he stares at the boiling water in front of him, Jaehyun suddenly wonders if his mother would like Jacob.

He thinks she would — and it’s the thought of them meeting, more than anything else, that has his heart stuttering in his chest.

Later — after he’s cooked the noodles and fried the egg, caramelized the onions and stir-fried the peppers, mushrooms, carrots and leftover meat — arms wrap around his waist, just as he’s mixing everything together.

“Mmm, that smells good,” Jacob whispers, right into his ear, sending a shiver down his spine. 

His head falls into the cradle of Jaehyun’s neck and shoulder, and Jacob fully leans his weight onto him.

He can’t speak, not really — not without embarrassing himself with a stutter or his voice cracking for the first time since puberty so he turns the stove back up to high heat, and he starts to stir the vegetables and meat into the noodles, and he moves around the kitchen with Jacob clinging onto him — like he doesn’t need a good scream into his pillow, like the heat of Jacob’s chest isn’t quickly turning his limbs to jelly.

This isn’t a session, but Jacob is still so close; close enough to smell and touch and _kiss_ , and he’s doing this willingly, on his own accord, and Jaehyun can’t figure out what that means.

But Jacob expects casual, and he can give him that, at least on the surface.

When the food is plated and two glasses are filled with iced water, ready to be taken out to the living room, Jaehyun pats Jacob’s arm in an effort to get his attention. 

“Dinner’s ready, Sleeping Beauty.” 

Jacob fidgets, like he’s waking from a daze and his arms fall as he straightens.

“I’m so exhausted,” Jacob whines. “I really could fall asleep standing up.” 

He stretches his arms up over his head, and then just stands there in the middle of Jaehyun’s kitchen, looking miserable and, really, more than a little pitiful, but also like he belongs — here in Jaehyun’s home, in his private space.

Something heavy swells under Jaehyun’s ribs.

It follows him into dinner, and then afterwards as they’re both laying on the floor, stomachs full, starfished across the rug. 

Jacob lets out a satisfied groan, rubbing his belly, and says, “You need to cook for me more often.”

Jaehyun thinks, _whenever you’d like_ , but stays quiet — inexplicably comfortable, inexplicably warm, inexplicably _present_.

It follows him back into the kitchen, as they stand side by side in front of the sink, doing the dishes. Jacob flicks a bit of soap foam onto Jaehyun’s nose, and then falls into a laughing fit as Jaehyun crosses his eyes to take a look. 

He retaliates, which leads to an impromptu water fight, which leads to Jacob cornering him against the counter and bracketing Jaehyun’s hips with his strong hands. 

It leads to them kissing, and kissing, and kissing; wet and slick and desperate.

It follows him onto the couch, as Jaehyun’s hands are kneading into the tension in Jacob’s shoulders, massaging clary sage oil into the skin, while Jacob is on the floor, between Jaehyun’s legs. His laptop is open in front of him with the intent of editing his thesis, but he keeps nodding off, his body melting in relaxation.

“Hey,” Jaehyun says softly, rubbing the access oil into Jacob’s neck. “It’s getting late.”

Jacob makes a noise of protest. “What time is it?” 

His voice cracks a little.

“About ten forty-five.”

“Fuck,” Jacob throws his head back, resting it against Jaehyun’s thigh. “I should get going — I might not make the last subway.”

Jaehyun frowns. “You can’t take the subway at this hour.”

Jacob smiles, like he’s stifling a laugh. 

“A bit too late for that, man. Late-night subway rides haven’t scared me since my first year in Seoul.”

“Still. You’re exhausted,” Jaehyun contends. “Let me at least call you a taxi.”

It’s Jacob’s turn to frown. He turns his body to face Jaehyun. “I can’t do that.. The fare to my apartment is expensive.”

“But,” Jaehyun doesn’t know why he’s being so insistent, but the thought of Jacob taking the subway — this late into the night, exhausted and cold — has his stomach in knots. He has to make sure it doesn’t happen. “Would you stay here?” 

The question is blurted, out of his mouth without being considered, and he decides to bite the bullet. He brings a hand up to curve against Jacob’s jaw. 

“Stay the night, please? You can take the bed.”

Jacob wrinkles his nose. “I’m not going to take your bed.”

Jaehyun makes a thoughtful sound, and his thumb instinctively moves to Jacob’s cheek, stroking back and forth. 

“We could…” He blushes, but doesn’t move to take cover for once. “My bed is pretty big. We could share…” A clearing of his throat. “If you’re okay with that?”

Jacob’s hand mimics his own, prodding at the redness filling Jaehyun’s cheek.

“Cute,” he says, before he nods. “That’s cool with me. As long as I’m not forcing you onto the couch for the night. You’d hate me the next morning.”

“That’s not true,” Jaehyun says, but Jacob doesn’t reply.

His usual bedtime routine is thrown off — knowing Jacob is just a door away, knowing he’s alone in the very room Jaehyun sleeps in every night. 

With that in mind, Jaehyun takes the quickest shower of his life, opting to just use his favorite coconut conditioner on his hair. When he emerges from the bathroom, teeth brushed and pink-faced, he’s wearing a t-shirt and loose fitting basketball shorts, and his hair is up in a towel. 

Jacob is sitting on the edge of his bed, absentmindedly scrolling through his phone.

“Shower’s free,” Jaehyun tells him, a runaway curl dripping onto the back of his shirt. 

As he pulls out another nondescript t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants for Jacob to borrow, his mind quickly conjures up the image of Jacob rolling up the too-long legs of the borrowed sweatpants, and Jaehyun blushes, absurdly pleased.

Jacob smiles. 

Instead of grabbing the offered clothing, he holds onto Jaehyun’s forearms. 

“Thank you,” Jacob says, against Jaehyun’s lips, before he presses a short kiss there and locks the bathroom behind him.

Jaehyun scurries to get into bed, and hopefully fall asleep, ahead of Jacob’s reappearance.

(The only other time he’d shared a bed with someone — Juyeon, during the first year of their friendship — it was unbelievably awkward at first. It took them a while to shake off the uncomfortable feeling that came with laying next to each other with their eyes fixed on the ceiling, their limbs ramrod straight, wondering if the other person was still awake.

And they were just _friends_.)

By the time the bathroom door opens again, Jaehyun is in bed, facing the wall, with the comforter pulled to his chin. The room is mostly dark, with the lamp on Jacob’s side (for the night) glowing a weak orange.

There’s a faint sound of footsteps and Jaehyun feels more than he hears Jacob a few seconds later; the comforter is pulled aside, then the bed slightly sinks as he settles on the other side, and after that… there’s only silence. Jaehyun fights to keep his breathing even, to look as naturally asleep as he can, but then —

A whisper. “Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun should ignore Jacob, carry on fake-sleeping, but he can’t. 

His body is humming with _something_ , adrenaline or fear or a mixture of the two, steadily buzzing under his skin. He’s weak — so he turns to face him.

“Hey,” Jaehyun whispers. 

His eyes have adjusted to the darkness, so Jacob is more than a vague silhouette; the white of his teeth is stark, and his eyes… Jacob always stares so deeply, so brazenly, his gaze is imprinted on Jaehyun’s pupils.

“Hey,” Jacob repeats, smiling. He reaches a hand out towards Jaehyun, but then lets it fall, hesitating. “Can I…?”

Jaehyun nods, his throat suddenly dry.

When Jacob’s hand finally makes contact, settling in the dip of his waist, it feels like coming home. 

He pulls Jaehyun in closer and tangles their legs together; the position is familiar, one they’ve defaulted to during their sessions, but that’s just it — this isn’t a session. 

Jacob is in his home on his own accord, Jacob is in his bed on his own accord, Jacob is touching him on his own accord, and has been all night, and that’s what gives Jaehyun courage. Jaehyun will let himself enjoy it, no matter what the morning brings.

Jaehyun presses his mouth to Jacob’s in a soft, open-mouthed kiss; it’s clumsy and unsure, but Jaehyun makes up for it with enthusiasm, by doing it like he does everything else — thoroughly, with focus and dedication. 

Jacob tightens his fingers into the back of Jaehyun’s t-shirt, and then he’s kissing back, raising his free hand to angle Jaehyun’s head _just so_ , aligning their mouths, licking his way into Jaehyun’s. 

His teeth scrape gently at Jaehyun’s lips, and Jaehyun gasps, pulling back to catch his breath.

“Fuck,” Jacob breathes out, burning hot, as he draws away from Jaehyun’s mouth, down towards the cut of his jaw, where it meets his neck. 

The kisses he sucks into it are wet, almost sloppy, and once satisfied, he blows on the damp skin. 

Jaehyun shivers.

Before Jaehyun can direct Jacob’s mouth back to his own, he’s being pulled on top of him, thighs on either side of Jacob’s hips and forearms bracketing Jacob’s head. 

He blinks, reorienting himself. 

Jacob is smirking, cheeks unusually pink, and he looks so gorgeous like this — beneath Jaehyun, disheveled and content. Jaehyun can’t control the way he dips down immediately, kissing him again, and again, and again.

Jacob’s hands settle on the undersides of his thighs, above his knees, pulling him closer as he presses kiss after kiss to the corner of Jaehyun’s mouth, his cheeks. 

“Want you closer,” he says against the skin, and Jaehyun scrambles to do just that, to bring them chest to chest.

In the silence of Jaehyun’s apartment, the wet sounds of kissing are almost magnified tenfold. Jaehyun goes a bit crazy with it — he feels ignited, finally set aflame by Jacob. As Jacob tentatively strokes the roof of his mouth, a moan slips out, and he doesn’t even _care_.

Jacob laughs, though, which should be at least a little mortifying, but Jaehyun can tell there’s nothing malicious behind it. “You know, this is a bit unexpected.”

“What?” Jaehyun bites at his lips, fighting a wince at how raw they feel, but what he really wants to say is, _have you thought about it? Tell me. Tell me, tell me, tell me._

“How… Responsive you are.” Jacob sucks an earlobe into his mouth, as if to prove a point. Jaehyun gasps again, on cue, and he grins. “I like it.”

“It’s ‘cause you’re so…” Jaehyun babbles, eyes blown. 

He can’t find the words, not in the moment, so he leans back down and pulls Jacob’s upper lip into his mouth.

It continues like this for a while, slowly, almost feverish, until Jaehyun’s lips sting and his arms are sore. He chases the taste of his toothpaste on Jacob’s tongue, one of his hands sliding in between them to press against Jacob’s chest, unashamedly feeling up his pectoral. 

Jaehyun loses himself in the rhythm of their kisses, his eyes falling shut, submitting himself to instinct and then —

He grinds down on Jacob’s thigh, and every muscle in his body locks in place.

Jaehyun breaks the kiss and stares at Jacob, eyes widening in terror, face burning with shame. He’s been hard for a while now, and it’s far from the first time it’s happened while kissing Jacob, but he always makes sure to keep his distance, to angle himself away. 

_It’s over_ , he thinks.

But then Jacob shifts his body, and Jaehyun can feel his matching hardness, and he’s fitting their cocks together and thrusting up, up, _up_.

Jaehyun hisses, feeling an abundance of goosebumps rise across his forearms and thighs. 

His eyes are caught between them, transfixed by the sight of their cocks rubbing together through their pants. He’s lightheaded with it, the thought of Jacob being affected by this the same way he is; he never even dared to _dream_ of the possibility.

He chances a glance at Jacob’s face, and Jaehyun’s entire body tingles. Jacob’s eyes are fixed on him, with his pupils blown and his lips parted and slick. 

“You like this,” Jaehyun gasps out, awed and bewildered.

Jacob blinks slowly, once, twice, and then his face scrunches up. 

“Yeah?” 

Hoarse. He sounds hoarse, and breathless and fucked out and Jaehyun is going to lose his _mind_.

Jaehyun feels desire burns in his gut, like lava is sloshing against the sides of his stomach. His fingers creep into the waistband of Jacob’s — _his_ — sweatpants. 

“Off,” Jaehyun says, desperately. “Take this off.”

Sliding his tongue into Jaehyun’s mouth, Jacob complies; it’s a bit of a struggle, and he ends up shimmying them off, which would be hilarious under any other circumstance. Presently, though, Jaehyun is much too hard _not_ to have a one-track mind.

Jaehyun sits up to pull down his own shorts and briefs in one go, separating their lips but offering Jacob the expanse of his neck. 

As Jaehyun starts to rock into him, he lets out another involuntary moan, embarrassingly loud, their cocks rubbing together with nothing but the slickness of sweat and precum and the dampness from their showers between them.

It doesn’t take long for Jaehyun to recognize the feeling in his belly, below his navel, building, and building, and building exponentially. Jaehyun guides Jacob’s face back to his own, but does little more than breathe into his open mouth. 

Then as if he senses how close Jaehyun is, Jacob thrusts up harder, faster, hands contrastingly stroking slow, calming circles along the base of Jaehyun’s spine.

A guttural “Jacob—” is all the warning Jaehyun manages before he gasps and tumbles over the edge, his toes curling in pleasure as his cock spills between them. His entire existence is reduced to _here_ and _now_ and _Jacob_. 

And as Jacob continues to rut against him, chasing his own orgasm, Jaehyun — though feeling rather boneless — wants to kiss him through it. So Jaehyun does; he kisses him sloppily, swallowing the quiet noise Jacob makes a few seconds later as he comes.

Both of their t-shirts are stained now, but Jaehyun doesn’t think much of it, pulling his own over his head and onto the floor. 

“You might want to—” He begins, rolling onto his side, and then he cuts himself off with a laugh. 

Jacob is still in a bit of a daze, catching his own breath — he looks absolutely filthy, with his face flushed red and his mouth bitten pink and his shirt smeared white with both of their come. 

Jaehyun feels absurdly pleased about this.

He falls asleep soon after, but not before Jaehyun forces him out of the soiled shirt. Jaehyun feels buzzed, like there’s a livewire humming underneath his skin, but he closes his eyes anyway — watching Jacob sleep is not an indulgence he’s entitled to.

***

Jaehyun wakes up groggy and sleepy-eyed, not to his alarm but to a phone ringing somewhere in the apartment.

He’s disoriented — much like he usually is immediately after waking up — but after a few seconds, he decides he might actually _not_ be hearing things; his front door was just closed shut. He sits up, begrudgingly, and stretches, making a mess of his sheets and comforter, and then it hits him all at once, arms still outstretched over his head.

He’s very briefly happy, flushing bright with gratification — he shared those moments with Jacob, spent the night with Jacob… Jacob, who most definitely left before Jaehyun could wake up.

The previous night suddenly seems so far away, as does Jacob, the side he slept on no longer warm from his body heat.

Jaehyun’s chest is tight with dejection.

He won’t go as far as to think he expected better of him — he doesn’t know Jacob well enough for the heavy weight of expectations, and that’s a fact, but the problem is that he wants to.

He wants to know the small things and the big things and the trivial little details. He wants to know Jacob’s pet peeves and he wants to learn how to get under his skin. He wants to be the person Jacob feels safe enough to share his nightmares with. He wants to be trusted with Jacob’s fears and his dreams and his bad habits and silly anecdotes about his day. He wants to soak in the essence of Jacob and absorb him like the fibers of a sponge.

Jaehyun laughs bitterly. What he wants is an impossibility.

He wasted so much time daydreaming, with his head far up in the clouds, and now he’s back on solid ground.

 _He’ll never want to see me again_ , Jaehyun thinks.

 _It’s probably better this way_ , Jaehyun thinks.

 _I crossed a line,_ Jaehyun thinks.

 _I deserve it_ , Jaehyun thinks, over and over and over again. He cycles through the stages of grief, the familiar feeling of nausea eating him alive.

Before he can sink too far, Jaehyun breathes and breathes and pulls himself out; he doesn’t let himself plummet into a bottomless panic, not when he was fully aware of the consequences — he made this bed and now he will lay in it. 

It’s his fault, really; for constantly crossing the line, for taking advantage of the unconditional intimacy offered to him, for spoiling a potential friendship with his… _delusions_.

Jaehyun was wrapped up in his own head, refusing to see what was clearly in front of him; Jacob merely doing his job, merely living up to his own expectations.

Jaehyun decides, then, that he needs to completely detach himself, both physically and mentally.

It’s Saturday; he has errands to run and reports to review and expectations to live up to. Jaehyun might have disappointed Jacob, he might have been disappointed by Jacob, but his life should not revolve around a single disappointment — an indulgence that was never realistic and only bred an ugly obsession.

He gets out of bed and sets out to prepare for the day: he showers, he brushes his teeth, he has porridge for breakfast, he brushes his teeth again, he dresses in his workout gear, he goes on a run with Sung Si Kyung loudly crooning in his ears.

It’s all very mechanical, but he has to start somewhere.

***

Jaehyun doesn’t hear from Jacob — and then he does.

On Friday, hours before the usual timeframe for their appointments, Jaehyun gets a text from Jacob.

It simply reads: _Session will be relocated to the clinic. Sorry for the inconvenience._ , like an automated message — a bot, rather than a living, breathing person Jaehyun cultivated somewhat of a relationship with in the past few months.

He doesn’t know what to think of it, so he doesn’t reply. Jaehyun is still on the clock and he retreats into the familiar world of Microsoft Excel and crunching numbers, attention fixed on the present, on his priorities, on the expectations of the shift — he doesn’t let himself wander.

Later, he makes it to the clinic in a daze, his mind carefully made blank as a precaution.

The receptionist greets him with a kind, “Long time no see,” but Jaehyun can barely force out a polite reply. _Left turn_ , he repeats to himself, _down the hall_ , _last door to the right_ , and then he’s there — in front of Jacob’s door, a few minutes away from the moment of truth.

When Jaehyun enters the office, Jacob looks deceptively calm, sitting straight on the edge of the bed, like he’s almost trying so hard.

There is a clear tension in the line of his back and despite Jaehyun holding himself together so, _so_ hard, resignation sits like thick molasses in his stomach.

“Hey,” says Jaehyun, but he phrases it like a question, taking a hesitant step closer.

Jacob looks up at him and his gaze looks devoid of life, like he’s looking right through Jaehyun, but then he blinks and it’s gone.

“Jaehyun! It’s so nice to see you. Please take a seat,” he says. His voice is high with exaggerated friendliness and his smile is a little too wide, a little too plastic.

Jaehyun physically recoils, eyes going wide with betrayal; it feels like a harsh slap to the face.

It’s one thing, for his brain to immediately conjure worst-case scenarios, but being proven correct makes his chest go tight with apprehension, as if the ground is suddenly pulled out from underneath him.

“Um,” Jaehyun pauses, sitting down in a chair that had never been in the room before. He wants to ask, _why did you leave?_ or _did that night mean anything to you?_ or _do you hate me?_ but instead he settles with: “Is there a reason we’re having the session in here again?”

Jacob exhales, no longer keeping up with the charade. “Yeah, actually.”

Jaeyun just looks down at the floor, his fingers fidgeting, waiting.

“It isn’t wise for you to have sessions with me anymore.”

“What,” Jaehyun gasps out, “does that mean?”

Jacob doesn’t seem to register his question. He continues: “I can refer you to one of our other practitioners, but I can also recommend other similar practices—”

He sounds so… clinical, like he’s reading off of a script titled _How to Let a Creepy Client Down Gently_ , Jaehyun can’t stand it.

“What if I don’t want to?” Jaehyun interrupts, then blushes at how childish and petulant he sounds.

“Jaehyun,” he placates, eyebrows furrowing. It’s how he sounded in their earlier sessions all those months ago, almost pitiful, tip-toeing around his feelings. “It’s already been decided. I’m sorry.”

Jaehyun stands, then sits down, and then stands again. He starts to pace the room. “By who?” He asks weakly, before his brain catches up.

Jacob looks pained. “I made a professional judgement.”

“Based on _what?”_

“Does it really matter?”

“Yes,” Jaehyun answers firmly. “It does to me.”

“What happened last Friday night—” He starts and Jaehyun cuts him off with a laugh, cruel and bitter.

It’s almost relieving, that he’s defaulting to anger instead of despair and self-hatred.

Instead of feeling the familiar wave of panic, he’s seething with icy resentment; at Jacob and his aloof dismissal, at his own naivety, at whoever made him _like this_ … so prone to obsession.

His mouth is filled with sourness and his stomach sloshes with acid.

Jaehyun can’t bear to look at him, clenching and unclenching his fists, but he hears the inhale of a harsh breath.

“It was clearly a mistake,” Jacob explains. “A line was crossed — many lines, actually, I haven’t exactly been professional with you in a while, and that’s exactly the problem here. As a professional, I have a moral code to adhere to.”

The pause Jacob takes is heavy with guilt. “This is the first step I’m taking to correct my mistakes.”

All Jaehyun hears is: _you’re the problem. You, you, you._

Jaehyun wouldn’t exactly disagree — on the worst of days, he’d endorse it, even, but the crushing feeling of hurt is a knife in his gut.

His cheeks burn with indignation.

“I see,” Jaehyun eventually says, nodding. “I get it now.” He brushes imaginary dust off of his slacks. “I’ll be out of your hair, then. Many apologies for all the trouble.”

He hurries out of the door, as quickly as his feet can take him. His body trembles and tears prickle at the corner of his eyes, but Jacob doesn’t call him back.

***

The next week, Jaehyun feels nothing but overwhelming emptiness.

He’s wholly and thoroughly detached, as if he’s observing himself from outside his body.

His mind is sluggish, operating ten steps behind his limbs — he nearly forgets to stop at a red light, _twice_. It’s pathetic, yes. It’s impractical, yes. It’s not _Lee Jaehyun_ , yes. The last few months have changed him, for better or for worse; Jacob tiptoed into his life with a disarming smile and taught him how to indulge and loosen up and _live_.

He doesn’t want to think about Jacob, though. He knows, from experience, that trying to completely forget him is futile, but maybe _not thinking_ is a better way to go about it. It’s the coward’s way out, but it’s what he’s come to expect from himself.

Caught up in a thick haze, Jaehyun goes through his daily routine on muscle-memory alone, not entirely present. Jaehyun is almost convinced none of his co-workers even notice, until halfway through the work week, when his department director, a no-nonsense man Jaehyun usually avoids, steps by his office with _concerns_ after Jaehyun spends an entire meeting staring at the wall _._

Jaehyun is sent home early for the first time in his five year tenure at the company. As he burns with shame, he thinks, _I deserved that._

That should’ve been enough to snap him out of it. 

It would’ve, had he still been the Jaehyun of the past, the Jaehyun who thought of nothing but expectations and deadlines and of what he _should_ do, instead of what he wanted. The Jaehyun who did not question his parents’ ten year plan, the Jaehyun who carried burden after burden without a single grievance, the Jaehyun who bared his neck and bent at the waist to all demands without any gratification.

The Jaehyun who did not know Jacob Bae.

When Jaehyun gets back to his apartment, left with nothing but the loudness of his thoughts and the jitter underneath his skin, he harshly throws himself onto the couch, not bothering to change out of his work suit.

He lies there silently, aimless and exhausted, for fifteen minutes before he thinks, _fuck it_ , and grabs himself a beer from the fridge. If he’s going through a crisis, day-drinking is to be expected.

However, Jaehyun can only keep himself busy with the beer until he’s halfway through the can.

His first instinct is to throw himself into work, even after being sent home, but he impulsively left the company-issued laptop at the office. He thinks to turn on Netflix next, but his brain is too wired to even keep up with mindless entertainment.

It’s rather pathetic how quickly he has his phone in his hands and Jacob’s contact pulled up.

Jaehyun knows going through their KakaoTalk history is a mistake, but he does it anyway.

The teasing back-and-forth, the random tidbits from Jacob’s day, the occasional pictures of Lucky and Dexter — Jaehyun misses it all so much he aches with it, it settles in the bottom of his stomach like a watermelon pit swallowed by accident.

He sees Jacob every corner of his apartment, he hears his melodic laugh in the silence. Somehow, Jacob weaved his way into becoming an unwavering presence in every nook and cranny of Jaehyun's home.

(Has become part of home, even.)

 _I miss you so much_ , he texts and then hovers over the send button, as if he’s actually challenging himself to do it.

He backspaces.

 _You broke my heart_.

He backspaces.

_I don’t remember who I was before you._

He backspaces.

Truthfully, Jaehyun is treading dangerous waters here, so it’s almost a relief, when he’s interrupted by a text from Younghoon, who heard from Changmin, who heard from Chanhee, that Jaehyun is no longer having sessions with Jacob.

The tone of the message is a bit accusatory, but that’s to be expected if Chanhee — who clearly disapproved of Jaehyun from the first meeting — is the source. Jaehyun idly wonders if he’s pleased with the turn of events.

His reply to Younghoon is short and to the point, though as expected, his best friend has a sixth sense for Jaehyun’s bullshit and knows there’s something more to it.

Younghoon is at his front door within the hour.

“I’ve come with reinforcements,” Younghoon says dramatically, offering up two pints of _My Mom Is An Alien_ ice cream, like it’s the secret key to getting Jaehyun to spill his guts.

Jaehyun rolls his eyes, half-hearted at best. “I can’t be bought with Baskin Robbins, sorry. Even if it _is_ the best flavour.”

He goes into the kitchen in search of spoons, anyway.

Younghoon, as always, makes himself comfortable, sprawled out on the sofa with the remote in hand. Jaehyun can almost convince himself they’re hanging out like they used to, before adulthood and obligations and schedules filled to the brim.

Squeezing between Younghoon’s feet and the arm of the couch, Jaehyun passes over a spoon and picks up one of the pints for himself.

The first scoop of ice cream has Jaehyun groaning out loud.

“God, I haven’t had this in _ages_ ,” he says, another spoonful already nearing his mouth.

There’s a weekday drama playing on TV, one of the popular ones Younghoon keeps up with, and the both of them eat in silence for a few minutes, neither willing to disturb the peace.

“What happened with Jacob? I thought you were enjoying your sessions,” Younghoon eventually says during a commercial break. 

Jaehyun shrugs. “I was and then I wasn’t. Things change.”

“That isn’t like you.”

 _What isn’t like me_ , Jaehyun wants to ask.

He knows, though — it isn’t like him to be unpredictable and it isn’t like him to be rash and it isn’t like him to bail on a commitment.

So instead, he says: “It wasn’t my call.”

Younghoon raises an eyebrow, his gaze reproachful, silently prodding.

Jaehyun frowns, setting his carton of ice cream on the coffee table, and then crosses his arms protectively. “What?”

“ _It wasn’t my call_ ,” Younghoon mocks. “Really?”

Jaehyun blows a stray curl out of his face. “It really wasn’t. What’s your problem?”

“Nothing,” Younghoon shakes his head. “It’s just… In the decade we’ve been friends, I’ve never known you to be a coward.

A laugh is startled out of Jaehyun, wheezing in his chest.

He’s suddenly afraid. If he opens up to Younghoon, it all becomes very real. The inappropriate feelings he has for Jacob will exist outside of his own head, outside of the comfort of his apartment, and Jaehyun doesn’t know if he’s ready for that. Just considering the possibility makes him nauseous, has anxiety churning in his stomach.

“It’s extremely complicated,” is what Jaehyun settles with. A non-answer, but one that speaks volumes.

Youngjoon sits up and nudges him. “Come on,” he says. “It’s just me,” and that somehow breaks through Jaehyun’s panic, bringing it to a halt.

Younghoon is _his_ best friend, his person — if there’s anyone he can trust with the complicated emotions clawing up his throat, it’s Younghoon.

So Jaehyun launches into a retelling; first of his last meeting with Jacob and then — as he becomes more and more impassioned — from the very beginning.

Every session, every moment, and every sentiment from the last couple of months. Every confusion, and every complication, and every concern.

Jaehyun goes on for who knows how long, like a dam has been broken.

It should feel more uncomfortable, he thinks, to disclose so many of his shameful thoughts, but he’s almost desperate for a release, the emotions welled up in his gut threatening to burst.

“Fuck,” Younghoon says afterwards. “ _Fuck_ , Jaehyun — you’re in love with him.”

Jaehyun doesn’t start as the realization hits him.

It settles over him like the sweet, pungent smell that precedes a summer storm. It blooms in his chest, tethered in place to the crevices of his heart. It silences his ever-racing mind, narrowing his focus to Jacob, Jacob, _Jacob_.

He knows — deeply, candidly, unquestionably — that it’s the truth.

Jaehyun shrugs.

“That doesn’t change anything.” Because it doesn’t. His own feelings, romantic or otherwise, were never doubted.

“Of course it does!” Younghoon practically yells, pulling Jaehyun’s hands in his. “Jaehyun, listen to me, in-house sessions aren’t a thing — he made that up. To spend more time with you. To get to know you in the space where you’re most comfortable.”

Jaehyun frowns. “What?”

Younghoon’s words give him pause, electricity racing up his spine.

There was _no way_ Jacob had any ulterior motives, it just doesn’t make sense. Not when Jaehyun had the inappropriate crush the entire time, not when Jaehyun was the selfish one in the equation.

Younghoon sighs. “There is absolutely no way Jacob feels nothing for you.”

“May I remind you that _he_ ended it,” Jaehyun spits. “Excuse me if I find it hard to believe.”

“Because of ‘professional judgement’,” Younghoon makes air quotes. “I know — isn’t it obvious why he broke practitioner moral code?”

At Jaehyun’s blank stare, he rubs his temples. “He fell for you!”

Before Jaehyun can deny it once again, Younghoon pulls out his phone and all but pushes it into his face. “Look.”

It’s a text from Changmin. _do something_ , it reads, _Jacob has been moping all week. I said Jaehyun’s name and he completely froze up._

Attached is a photo of Jacob looking almost recognizable, blank-faced with a bowl of cereal in front of him, wearing Jaehyun’s t-shirt — the very one he borrowed almost two weeks ago.

Jaehyun feels sick.

***

Still in disbelief, Jaehyun lets his thoughts simmer for a few days.

It’s not easy — to have your entire worldview shifted, to suddenly have hope bubbling in your gut.

It’s definitely not easy.

Jaehyun closes his eyes and sees Jacob’s glittering smile etched on the back of his lids. He makes dinner and pictures Jacob crowding him against that very counter. He sits on the couch and feels the ghost of Jacob’s touch; lips on his lips and hands on the dip of his lower back and cold feet against his calves.

He starts to indulge in the possibility of Jacob returning his feelings.

There are also times when finds himself wondering if he’s only seeing what he wants to see, if he’s reading into the simple action of Jacob wearing his t-shirt when he could’ve been out of clean laundry, could’ve worn it without registering the token of Jaehyun’s affection.

It’s a constant cycle.

Uncertainty threatens to flood his senses, overwhelm his hopeful heart, but then he thinks back to the confidence in Younghoon’s voice, to Changmin’s text claiming that Jacob was _moping_ — there’s something there, there has to be.

Yet he chooses not to act on it.

Jaehyun still keeps his distance, but no longer tries to rationalize it all away.

He falls back into the regularity of his life, but not necessarily to who he was pre-Jacob. 

He abandons the pursuit of frivolous expectations for the search for himself, for who he can soon become. He cuts his hours at work and realizes the world doesn’t end. His relationship with his parents is a complicated work-in-process, but Jaehyun slowly lays the groundwork for an important conversation that will inevitably end in tears.

He’s settling into himself, finally reunited with the pieces of Lee Jaehyun once left behind; unbound and no longer restrained by expectations.

Someday, he thinks, he’ll become a person worthy of Jacob’s love.

***

The day he reunites with Jacob is a bleak one.

Jaehyun is stubbornly running in the sprinkling rain, curls flattened against his forehead, frigid wind biting at his cheeks. There are droplets clinging to his jaw, slowly rolling down his neck, and goosebumps rising on his arms, but Jaehyun refuses to cut his run short. His usual route is ten kilometers long — around his neighbourhood, through a nearby park, and then back — and he’s almost desperate for the mind-clearing it provides after the day he had at work.

He doesn’t factor in bumping into Jacob.

It’s odd, actually seeing him in person after relying on sheer memory for weeks. Jaehyun almost expects him to look different.

He does, but only in the sense that Jaehyun’s memory failed to capture the extent of Jacob’s brightness. He’s a beacon of light in the darkness of the evening, an unexpected blanket of warmth in the harsh, profouse rain.

Jaehyun’s feet instinctively come to a halt, and it takes him a minute to catch his breath. Jacob is standing at a bus stop just outside the park, shivering within the partially enclosed shelter, eyes fixed on his cellphone. He hasn’t spotted Jaehyun yet. 

He's moving closer before he can think better of it, heart in his throat.

Jacob suddenly looks up when Jaehyun is five steps away. His face goes through a million emotions — shock, awe, hope — before it settles on something much more neutral. The process is so _Jacob_ that Jaehyun no longer feels the chill in his bones, warmed from the inside out.

The moment feels too fateful for words, but Jaehyun doesn’t think he could find any if he tried.

So he just stares, memorizing the planes of Jacob’s face, engraving every inch of him to memory.

His hair is longer now, underneath his damp beanie, flopping over his forehead. His eyebrows are slightly furrowed in deep thought. His lips are bitten pink and wind-chapped. His eyes shine with something indescribable, almost as if beckoning Jaehyun forward.

He looks good — much better than he had at the clinic, or even in the picture taken by Changmin.

Jaehyun is eventually interrupted by Jacob setting down his guitar case and he startles at how long he was just observing in silence.

“You’re still tutoring?” Jaehyun blurts out. Which, in retrospect, is a dumb question, because it hasn’t been that long and he’s not entitled to an answer.

“Yeah,” Jacob nods. “Way more than usual, now that my thesis is finally in.”

Jaehyun offers a feeble smile. “Congratulations. You worked really hard.” He internally cringes at how over-familiar he sounds, pushing wet curls off of his forehead. “I’m confident you’ll do well.”

Jacob nods again. “Thanks, I—” He starts, but then seems to think better of it.

“I can’t do this,” he finally says, clenching his jaw. “Speak to you so formally again, like we don’t know each other. I can’t pretend I don't know you, Jaehyun.”

“You don’t have to,” Jaehyun says with a frown.

He exhales roughly. “Don’t I? I pushed you away. I left without a word and then decided to put a stop to our sessions without explaining myself.”

Jacob shakes his head, resigned, and Jaehyun bites his lip hard enough to draw blood.

“You didn’t deserve it, but I was a coward and a cruel one at that. I didn’t know what else to do. You were just so…” He raises a hand, waving it in Jaehyun’s vicinity. “So _Jaehyun_. Gorgeous and shy and caring, and so very clearly interested.” At that, Jaehyun lets out a tiny gasp, cheeks pink, and Jacob smiles softly in response. “Jesus Christ, I think about the way you blush _all_ the time.”

“Jacob…” Jaehyun whispers, in wonder, because his brain is momentarily incapable of comprehending anything else.

“I do, among many other things. The past few weeks have been a journey of many realizations.” Jacob laughs, then, a bit breathless. “This is the perfect place to confess, huh? In the middle of a downpour — that’s got to be a bad omen.”

Jaehyun thinks, _I can’t believe this is my reality_. He thinks, _I missed you so much I ached with it_. 

What he says is: “C _onfess?_ ” His voice is high in his throat and he presses a hand to his chest, heart thundering against his ribcage.

Jacob raises his brows, pausing in disbelief, and then his face crumbles a bit. “While I’d completely deserve it if you let me down right now, there’s _no_ way I’m making up any of _this_ ,” he gestures between them. “Right..?”

The smile Jaehyun gives Jacob is an amazed, wobbly thing.

“Jacob, you helped me become whole again.” Jaehyun flushes, because it’s as cheesy as it is true. “For the first time in years, I selfishly wanted something for myself — _someone_ for myself.”

Jacob’s eyes are so openly adoring Jaehyun gives pause, swallowing. 

“Was?” Jacob teases, clicking his tongue, and Jaehyun can no longer stand the distance between them, moving closer and loosely linking their hands together.

Jaehyun closes his eyes and then, bracing himself, presses their joined hands against his heart. “I wanted you then, and I want you now, and I’ll still feel the same months and months into the future.”

For once, vulnerability does not feel stifling — it feels like the rain around them, promising a new beginning.

When Jaehyun opens his eyes, Jacob’s gaze is still intently on him, ignited with something unfamiliar, his mouth slightly agape.

They’re almost nose to nose now. “You really need to warn a guy first.”

Jaehyun blushes. “Sorry. Can’t really control myself right now.”

“You can make it up to me,” Jacob says. “Kiss me.”

Jaehyun’s answering _okay_ is swallowed by Jacob’s mouth. The press of his lips against Jaehyun’s own isn’t particularly chaste: it’s eager and messy and wet from the rain. Jacob catches Jaehyun’s lower lip between his teeth and tugs, greedily drinking in the noise he makes. He kisses Jaehyun’s chin, and then his nose, and then the corner of his mouth — laying claim to him.

As he pulls away to breathe, Jaehyun dizzily eyes a stray droplet of water along the hinge of Jacob’s jaw, tempted to lick it — so he does. Jacob makes a low sound of approval and Jaehyun sucks a kiss into the skin before seeking out Jacob's mouth again, shorter this time. 

“Come home with me?” Jaehyun whispers into Jacob’s cheek, suddenly shy.

Jacob grins. “Your couch and I have a lot of catching up to do.” Then, earnestly: “you and I have a lot of catching up to do, too.”

They fall back into the familiarity between them so quickly and so seamlessly, like the two of them were never apart. Jaehyun almost can’t believe it.

He never expected this for himself… to find someone in his life to be at such ease with, to feel so absolutely warm and comfortable in their presence.

He never expected _Jacob_.

Jaehyun thinks, lightning buzzing under his skin, that with Jacob by his side, he can learn to live unconditionally, unapologetically.

He can learn to live for himself, without the weight of expectations.

And eventually, he will.

***

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! if you can, please indulge me with your comments!!! I'll really appreciate it <3
> 
> edit: hello! now that this is no longer anonymous, i recently made a twitter for fic purposes, so catch me [@hyunjaehyunism](https://twitter.com/hyunjaehyunism)!!


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